I was going to do these fantastic, FABULOUS video reviews, but there was this thing. And then another thing. Then I got gum in my hair. You know how it is.
I'm at the beach right now, writing these things. Because party. I apologize for nothing. My Reviews are Short and Unfair. This is just the way the tide rolls in because the moon doesn't like you.
If you think these are mean, too bad. I'm not your babysitter or your girlfriend. I'm not here to make you macaroni and cheese. If they aren't mean enough, then I wish I hadn't edited out half of what I said, because you can all do better, even though these were all good so if you were at the bottom of the pack or in the middle or something you should be proud of yourself. Have a cookie. It's all arbitrary and based on whether or not I shook my shizz to your shizz. Hummph.
Inverse T. Clown:
'A DIFFERENT SONG THAT WAS NOT IN THE CONTEST'
Was this an entry? No. Of course not. You're DIFFERENT and special. But I was, as always, shakin it to your fine singing. I was thinking "I could cover this." But it's about Minecraft. So I can't. But here is a special thanks for a fine offering. A good all was time by had.
ENTRIES:
MANDATORY DISQUALIFICATION:
JUTZE
It's a shame I have to bow to "the man," and disqualify your ass ... because your song was cool as Bantha Poo-du too-too ... Apparently, you need to learn to read instructions. The death star IS cute, and you are too Jutze, you are too. Perfect solo, BTW.
ENTRIES THAT WERE RANKED, in NO order:
ROB AMERSFOORT
This song is the best thing I have ever heard. Can I buy you a beer? No one is creative anymore? Thank you for trying to write something cool! Will you please play at my wedding? How clever are YOU, bro?
BUBBA and and his AMIABLE KRAKEN
Bonus points for jaunty pirates-on-leave-looking-for-company hooky whistling break. This is catchy enough to skate over being cheesy—luckily, we live in cheese-loving times, and all your technique and talents sell this whizz. I’m not going to comment on your adequate engineering, otherwise I would, but there’s a bit of a hiss.
DAVE
what the @$*@#$* @#$)#$ g-@#$(*$ @#$($ is this?
HOTEL REX
I won't remember this for the songwriting, but if you wrote 2 sets of songs just like this and I was going to see a show of it, I'd pay to see this band pay--repeatedly, every week.
JAMES YOUNG
This was very professional. Nothing about it really struck me, but I had it ranked high the whole time. There's not a damn thing wrong with you. I liked your poppy-appropriate accent but I'm not in love with it. You're like a boyfriend I'm keeping around because the sex is nice and you take me out for fish dinners. I'm sorry about this review, maybe.
DR LINDYKE
Just kidding. You know I have to give you #$*&. I think that your song has lots of special gifts and nice structure. It isn't one of Cherry's or anyone in my house's favorites. Lose the drums and pull out your Elton HERE and it would have been better. Of course, you're Dave--you can phone in anything in your sleep. Nice seagulls, right?
GOVERNING DYNAMICS
Maybe people were struggling to hear the list in this. Me? It reminded me of my hated nemisis and blogs she might have written if she'd been born a decade later in cooler, more millenial times. It's cool enough though. I, of course, don't understand your issues, having just turned 21. But the little guitar motif really sticks in this little To-Do.
ZOE
I could totes beat your robot-wife in a cage fight. Purring a PSA against the Masengill-and-Mascara-corporations (and all bleeders should thank you!) through the Britney Spears filter into your pink microphone might just save all us aging Ho-bags from extinction. We thank you for your work on our Bee-Half.
BRIAN
You made this look easy. It could have been prissier and busier. This is a rare and special gift to be coupled with this level of drum programming and avant garde jazzy chops. Swing it, sister.
DONNA and MATT
this was very annoying. perhaps this was your master plan. yes the synth was clever, but the vocals were really low under it. I read the lyrics along and that helps. Now I need a drink, and I bet you do too.
JENNY
There needs to be more flow like this in these contests. I'm loving it AND feeling it. And I didn’t come here to have to drink more wine, but I guess I will.
MC OHM-I
People are having a hissy over this "song" you lobbed into the court last-minute, you clever fellow ... but hese are philisophical questions for a less drumken judge. Thanks for the nerdy booty bump. It is what it is.
TRADER JACK
Somebody tried to whisper sweet math into my ear once in the back alley of a physics convention I had no business at because Hotel Lobby. I ended up with a wicked peppermint schnapps hangover and missing my Dr. Who pinafore.
BOFFO YUX TINY-TOONS
You certainly weren't given a map, but you went there. This was typical BFYux from impudent beginning to it's schmarmy close. ...Prius. Still Hil-ar-EE-us.
PIGFARMER
Your heartfelt blues are way evocative to this Southern-Comfort loving, crusty lady. instrumentation comes across in a vocal line I can't really criticize because of it being based on deep life experience. This is for slow dancing and not for judging so pass the quervo and the ligher for waving and all that.
SHADOW:
BEN TAGERT
I didn’t come here to have to drink more wine while listening to your heartfelt and emotionally manipulative … beautiful oatmeal commercial, but I guess I will—dammit.
If I forgot anybody, KIX me, and I'll do a private reviewing just for YOU. I just really feel disorganized and weird about this whole thing! Too-ta-loo!
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