Rankings and reviews from SpinTunes 18 Champion Brian Gray!
Straight up, I was unprepared for there being 31 official entries. I’m completely overwhelmed with the amount of judging, and so can only do about a paragraph of feedback for each song. If you’re like me, this will be disappointing, as feedback is easily 74% of why I compete in SpinTunes. On the plus side, this is the kind of problem we’d like to have, as it shows that SpinTunes is as popular as ever!
Anyway, here’s Wonderwall:
Melody Klein - Just
Nice style. Lyrics are very basic, a bit on the nose. No metaphor, imagery. Is there really a secret? I like the near rhymes, and the presentation style supports them without making them stand out (as in, you can barely hear them anyway). Maybe it’s ok, since the lyrics aren’t really that important compared to the music? The music is really what carries the song.
Richard Shakespeare - Oh No
Love the verses, the weak, vague resolutions are pleasant and somber and contrast/support the message. The chorus sounds like a pre-chorus and could stand to be chopped at about “big” to lead into a full tonic resolution on some hook that presents stronger than anything else currently in the song. This song calls for something repetitive right there. But you do have to chop that (now) pre-chorus to keep from just adding more length to a 4:38 song.
Quazimodo's Balls - Limited Time Offer
Wow, um… interesting take on the challenge. Not really a secret, because you expect this person is saying the exact same thing to everyone, but I suppose it fits because he’s saying it’s a secret? 3 songs in and 2 of them are actively trying to bury the lyrics under effects, communicating very clearly that the sound is the essence of the experience, not the lyrical content.
See-Man-Ski - Our Little Secret
I’m thinking dyslexia? I love the major key change leading to the chorus, but couldn’t really make sense of it at first. The traditional rhythm section (bass & drums) needs to be more forward to ground the key change (bass) and create a sonic continuity (sustained cymbals) for the chorus. A contrast between more staccato verses and legato chorus would work here.
Stephen Weigel - What’s Your Secret, Hermit?
Ambitious, placing this is an alternate tuning. But if you’re going to do that, you need to be super confident and tight in your rhythm & timing. With the instruments poorly aligned and inconsistent, listener tendency is simply to write off the artist as amateur and the notes as consequently out of tune. Also, I’m not convinced the meaning behind “what’s your secret?” is actually about a secret, right? It’s a phrase people say to inquire about methods or to give a compliment, not truly a “secret”.
Governing Dynamics - Widow’s Peak, Kentucky
Evocative guitar work from GD? Whaaaaat?! You’re far from alone in this, but I’d like to hear a more effective lead in and contrast from your chorus, which is the best part of this song. Love the line “and those who would choose his deflections, excuses”, implicating the town not just in the coverup, but in contributing to the original problem as well. Nice.
Star Bear - A Foreign Language
The guitar is the best part of this song. Second are some choice lyrics, like “the ones I chose or the others who chose me” and “messages and breadcrumbs everywhere”, but only when reading them. In context of the song, your scansion is all over the place and the words lose their meaning. I suggest cutting out a lot of the words, leaving room to let the music shine through, and along the way find space to say what you need to say in a more natural cadence that puts the stresses on all the normal syllables.
FireBear - The Seeds
My favorite so far – though I’m only 8 songs in. Effective use of the guitars and vocal reverb to give an open, spacious feel appropriate to the content. You might want to take another pass at the bridge, which is typically used to give the listener a break from patterns the song already established. This one goes vi-IV, which is pretty in line with everything else, and then goes back into the chorus with its now powerless IV-I, since the leading just hangs out on that IV during the transition. Maybe a key change?
Pigfarmer Jr - Sitting Silently
Odd that some songs here have been very on the nose and direct with their lyrics and I’ve docked them for lack of poetry, but now I don’t get that feeling. The narrative style works just right, giving the impression of a folk song, and I think that’s what I’ve been looking for. You don’t need metaphor here, but you do need to project a clearer sense of the narrator. The knowledge that she suffered abuse and will take it to her grave is the perspective of an omniscient narrator, but the line “she won't tell us what he did” places you in the real world. Unless the assumption that she was being abused is just that, and not fact? The song is unclear.
rackwagon - Articles
Ok, so I don’t actually enjoy listening to this, but I like the song. Lower and farther back on the vocals, more bass, vary the texture and saturation of the backup, and you might have something here. Some lyrics like “broke with my fiancée” sound abrupt and direct in a way that clashes with other, more enigmatic phrases and could use some smoothing out, but others such as “you keep it like a long drawn breath” are gold, even if I’m not overly fond of similes. Overall, well done.
Dented Bento - A Man is a Clam
Well now I don’t know what to do! I’ve been calling for less direct, obvious lyrics and more metaphor and imagery, and you do everything at once! This whole song is one Big Damn Metaphor™, but look how far and on the nose you take it! Do the parts about wrapping in nori and serving with pickled ginger and wasabi further your message? There’s room to tighten this up, and to get rid of the “women want to…” generalization. The rest of the song uses “she” to describe a connection to a specific woman, and that keeps it personal and more meaningful (though I’d even go a step farther and use “you”). That one line goes the other way, widens the context, and weakens the message.
For another take, check out Octopus By Jonathan Coulton
With Joe - Somebody Knows
Excellent job! The effects and auto-tune work to the purpose of placing the entire context inside a mentis that is not entirely compos. A frenetic pace mirrors our narrator’s panic, and the songwriting with its highly repetitive nature echoes a single thought in the obsessive way it would actually happen. I’d have a bit of an issue with some of the craft, particularly with respect to some prosody that I believe could be cleaned up to align syllable stresses. For example, I love rhyming “knows” with “shadows” even though the rhyme is on the unstressed syllable of the latter. But “what's go-ING on inside” sticks out via awkwardly stressed syllables when it could be something like “what’s been CHURN-ing inside” and line up more naturally. That’s small potatoes though; all in all, I bet this ends up near the top. Finally, consider dropping all the production just for “knows what you’ve done” and allowing it to cut through, completely naked.
marlon. - *Tom Delonge Voice* Wheroar Yheww
Ok, so the production value here is shy of professional, and that impacts listening, but for the most part I can hear what you’re going for. That said, there’s a partially obscured, descending chromatic line in the verses that feels there to guide the listener emotionally, and I can’t quite make it out, so its efficacy is lost. What I can hear are some really evocative lines, like “reading the maps of your palms”. If I had compositional advice, you lose momentum by ending the verse on the same major tonic that the chorus starts on. Contrast the lack of energy going from verse to chorus with the more powerful resolution achieved after the bridge (the classic V-I), and you’ll see what I mean. For my money, I think a chorus on IV (and bridge ending on V/IV) would have hit way more powerfully.
Roman Numeral Orange - dont pour it out
…mmH .wow ,mU
I can get into
the feel of this song,
and there’s a
certain respect
for someone
who can craft
so much content,
only to render it
on a canvas
that completely obscures
what you’re saying,
leaving behind
only the experience
of having heard it.
All that said, 4:17 of this is a bit much without taking the listener on any kind of emotional ride. In your case – where it’s all about production – we’re talking dynamic changes, adding/subtracting instruments, etc. Break it down and build it up.
Regis - Three Can Keep a Secret (If Two of Them are Dead)
You clearly know how to write a song, and the guitars are a well-executed base for this one. The progressions are straightforward and lead the lyrics where they need to go, and all is right with the world. The message though seems to lack any emotional connection in the verse/chorus main body, and where you have the opportunity to take a more meta/philosophical view in the bridge, your lyrics trip over themselves. The lyrics as written could be sung via natural iambs, but you bunch them up in fits and starts in the performance. Additionally, by completely filling up the meter with octameter you miss an opportunity to offer the listener time to consider what comes next, then hit them with a resolution. Consider the syllable stresses of what you have vs. something like (sorry, 1st draft; read as iambic septameter with empty beats after):
Well if my soul’s already damned, who cares where else this leads? (and 4 and)
It’s you and him, or me, sir, and it’s not my heart that bleeds.
The Dutch Widows - What Does It Matter?
Now this is an experience! The ingredients go unusually well together: muddy, echoing, mysterious accompaniment; sparse lyrics that pause to allow the listener to wonder what’s coming next; a basic I-IV verse leading to a V-ii7 refrain. In most songs I might question using 3rd person for the refrain, but here it’s implicitly understood that the 3rd person is false, and that the narrator is talking about himself and not just impersonally waxing philosophic. Can’t figure out the final verse though. It’s opaque and specific enough to write off as auto-biographical, but then there’s your note at the top, so…
Firefly - It’s Juicy
RHCP fan perhaps? One of the few songs here that effectively uses an instrumental hook to augment the song in a way that’s consistent with its message. Also not afraid to lean in on minor, not in a cliché way to make something sad, but just to soften the flow and be mysterious without giving up the energy of transitions from section to section. Some of the same criticisms I’ve had of other songs regarding scansion and prosody. It’s difficult to craft lyrics in a week AND record, but if this song were subject to rounds of live performance and tweaks before recording, I think the rough edges could have smoothed out nicely.
Phlub - Extrasensory
Yeah, so I’m just gonna need for you to forward me the sheet music for this one, ok? I mean, are there actual key changes in here, or did you record it straight and then automate tuning curves over the whole thing? It’s a wild ride, and a part of me enjoyed it. Like many songs here, I’m looking past the inevitable argument of what was meant by “secret”. Must it be intentional? Is the universe keeping secrets from us by existing beyond our natural senses? Who knows, but the song is good, and the lyrics in particular show an attention to natural flow that I appreciate.
Hot Pink Halo - Invisible Ink
From personal experience, I wouldn’t be surprised if you get dinged for using software drums, but I personally appreciate the cleanliness of it in this case. Good sound on the guitars, and I really like the expressiveness of the IVmaj7s. The key change going into the chorus is a surprise, and that can be good, but I’d do 2 things to make it both more and less of one. First, shorten the pre-chorus so that the chorus and its changes also arrive temporally as a surprise, but then tip your hand by leading us in harmonically. So for example get rid of the line “You might not know what to think”; the next “but” still works without it, so keep that and then when you hit “lines” tweak the melody to be in D major and start a turnaround with Em -> A(7) -> D to enter the chorus.
"BucketHat" Bobby Matheson - Ease My Mind
Dude, you’re killing me ;-) Is it your goal in life to tease me with potential rhymes and then just not deliver?
The world outside is suffocating
the man this page is liberating
I love the optimistic turn taken partway through when you look to the future and see a day when the diary puts itself out of a job. You could go even father with that bridge, make it bigger to build up tension and energy, then drop it back right down where it is now for “inspire me”. That part’s great as it is, and should ring through by having other things drop out.
Also In Blue - A Good Man (But A Lousy Wizard)
This song is great! If it doesn’t end up my #1, I trust the other judges to tell me whether or not I made a mistake. Since I’m clearly on board, let’s skip to suggestions: really the biggest thing that stood out to me was the opportunity to fill out legato pad (strings? horns? maybe cello for added bass support) during the bridge, while the narrator reminisces about the good old days in Kansas, to then drop them out and go back to percussive piano as you return to the last verse.
chewmeupspitmeout - Who Put Bella in the Wych Elm?
Maybe the most mysterious of the songs this round, and I love the atmosphere, at least at the start. But something about this song screams out for hard rock and distorted guitars. Imagine blasting in with those at “White paint graffiti”. Then when you get to “Did you awake”, you back off to the kind of accompaniment you use at the repeated “Who Put Bella in the Wych Elm?” at 2:30, only to bring it back later. Hmm, now that I think of it, I may be hearing Evanescence, but the feel could work.
L.J.P - Hero
A common refrain here is songs about keeping feelings inside. This one may go the farthest in the direction of keeping secret what exactly the secret is. I suppose that he’s a hero inside but can’t let it out yet. I further gather that we’re not talking “hero” like saving the world, but simply saving yourself at a time when you feel helpless. And by the hero “we all need”, it’s not that you’re everyone’s hero, but that everyone can be their own, and we all need ourselves to stand up and be that person. That’s my takeaway, but I had to work pretty hard to get there. In the end, I suspect more than one judge will decide this song doesn’t truly meet the spirit of the challenge, and I’d be on the fence as to whether or not I agree with them. All that said, I like the song for what it is. Really good guitar work, good instincts for layering in more accompaniment as it starts up. Maybe a bit more production work to separate the voices when perspective changes (from narrator using 1st person to the chorus using 2nd).
thanks, brain
Ok, I’ll admit I’m stuck trying to suss out the situation. You’re close enough to – probably? – meet someone’s parents… had a fight at their mother’s house and left. You learned about their death via invite to the funeral instead of a more personal contact, but were then trusted with possession of the ashes. I guess I sometimes get caught up on the trees and miss the forest. In the end I’m enjoying the song and it doesn’t matter that just like our 2nd person, no one else gets to know what it was you should have told them. Well done.
Night Sky - Secret Society
Classic theme, unique delivery. Your rhyme schemes are ambitious, and mostly work. I’d highly suggest having the chorus be different from the verses. It’s probably a production issue, because you repeat a standard vi-I-V-vi in the verses then take us to IV to start the chorus. It should be a strong transition, but it’s not. Hit the IV on the bass, change up the instruments… something. There’s no contrast there and it may not be the songwriting’s fault. To repeat a theme, you may also consider some kind of bridge to break things up and give the listener a rest, beyond the horns. Speaking of the horns, you should establish them in the intro so that when they return later it bookends the song and pulls it together.
Fluke Wilson - Corner Store Jesus
I get the message, and it’s surprising to learn the narrator is speaking from beyond the grave, but it’s a whole lot of one note (lyrically). Over 4½ minutes of “I secretly drink” that could absolutely have been told more concisely, besides being made more interesting with a bridge or something. I’d consider going back to the drawing board, bringing with you the conceit of “her” sleeping with her bible, and tightening this up to 3 minutes, only saying the most important parts of the narrative.
Ominous Ride - Don’t Say Anything
I’ve always loved your sound; you have a way with distorted guitars. Damn, those cops are bad dudes, right? Your description of the torture that he expects to endure is so extreme it evokes a Weird-Al-esque over the topness. The harmonies that accompany the list however are sweet and fun to hear. I’m torn on this one, and suspect it will rank somewhere in the middle third.
SunLite - Secrets
I’m having a little trouble with the skirting of the challenge, but some songs here have gone much farther afield than you. We asked for a song about a secret, and you gave us a meta song about how in general people keep them. All told, I like your song. I don’t get all the lyrics, and “we are in bloom” is at the same time confusing in its meaning, sounds written only to get a rhyme, and then isn’t even a true rhyme. Surely something ending in “true” could have been found here that works perfectly well with both the theme and the rhyme scheme? That said, I do happen to be a sucker for a song that starts with the chorus, and I respect how you added to your instrumentation near the end. It raised the energy, kept my attention the entire way, and I can confidently say I’d have listened to the whole thing even if that weren’t literally my job ;-)
Mandibles - To Have and to Hide
Head. Spinning. Can’t. Think.
Getting a real Duran Duran feeling from this. Not in terms of aural styling of course, but in the sense that I can’t figure out what’s going on while at the same time it’s completely lyric driven and I’m supposed to sing along. You warned me with that bio, but that’s like reading the meaning of a Duran Duran song off the top of a genius.com page: I still have to read slowly through the lyrics and think about how they map to the stated situation.
End of the day, it sounds great. Some harmonies are wishy washy and could have been practiced more before recording, but this is not a recording contest. And at any rate, the production here would win against most of the competition anyway. From a songwriting perspective, I’m going to bang that drum about figuring out the delivery rhythm first, then crafting lyrics to fit, rather than feeling like you have to cram them into the space. In particular (since it repeats), the two eighth notes and eighth note triplet for “I can’t help but feel” sound very much like an attempt to force 5 syllables into enough space for 4. This is going to be worse, but maybe something like, “You and he are old news, in black and white and blue”. No, forget that. I have to get the reviews out quickly, but if I were taking a week to write a song, I might spend an hour getting that one line just right.
Hanky Code
This song is so much fun! The first verse has me thinking the “secret lair” is a gaming room in the basement, and maybe it is. But if so, this house is owned by someone like me, who would go way overboard and make hidden entrances from both the foyer AND the kitchen, and have a hollow wall with eye holes through a painting! This is not just some generic nerd. This is a VERY SPECIFIC nerd. Musically, very simple but clear. No chorus, just a refrain. No bridge, and doesn’t need one since it’s so short. You knew when to thank the audience and leave instead of wearing out your welcome. Great job!
Sober
Way to leave room for the song to breathe. It’s so tempting as a songwriter to fill out the available meter with feet, but so rewarding as a listener to be granted a breath to absorb what we just heard. And while I’m praising unusual instinct, nice recognition for just how much of that meter needs to exist in the first place. Sometimes you need 12 beats, sometimes you can hang out in a stretch of 9, sometimes you only need 6, and it’s absolutely fine to let the melody tell you how to mix them up. Another thing that’s fine is knowing that without the bio I’d have been completely lost. In that case, I’d have mapped onto the lyrics some meaning that’s personal to me. I’ll stop here and recognize that although everything I’ve said has been positive, the most common adjective is “fine”. This won’t be my #1 because nothing here is absolutely blowing me away, but I bet it shakes out in the top third. And I bet I see you here next round.
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