ST16R4 REVIEWS - Dr. Lindyke

FINAL ROUND! Dave here. And this round, having consulted with William Hoover, we're judging as Dr. Lindyke, who now takes over as "I" (it's like Firestorm... just go with it).

Here was the challenge:

Darwin Awards: Write a song about something that seemed a good idea at the time, but ended very badly. Maybe you should have given it a little more thought...

In addition, we gave you this very good piece of advice:

For a good idea of what we have in mind here, I suggest you look at the criteria for the actual Darwin Awards. Keep in mind that a Darwin Award does not require death.

I feel I have to point this stuff out because of an overwhelming tendency (among competitors and judges alike) to inadvertently overlook the challenge in the zeal to make a song. As for me, I'm going to judge you on exactly what you were asked to produce.

You can win a Darwin Award for some incredibly stupid choice leading to an absolutely ironic and avoidable result that removes you personally from the gene pool. And while you can survive, your reproductive ability cannot. Furthermore, you never, never, never get such an award for causing the deaths of others. Keep the consequences of your dumbassedness to yourself, please. For me, this made it pretty easy to sort the entries based on story, even when the musicality is impossible to rank. So don't expect a lot of feedback on your excellent music other than to say it's excellent.

I'll list these in order of preference, best first.

1. Steve Stearns - Surf or Die

You never disappoint, Steve. And neither does the ghost of your surfing doppelganger. Removal from the gene pool? Check. Stupid choice? Check. Targeted at the idiot? Check. The music is, as always, infectious. Solid, tight lyrics and solid musical craftsmanship. It's the one song from this group that I found myself just humming or whistling during the week. For me, you win. Let's see what the crowd says.

2. Ross Durand - One Last Drink

Nice attention to detail on this one. "One for the road" is both stupid and avoidable, but it's that kick "you know where" that wins the Darwin. And, you didn't even have to die to do it! You're getting dinged a bit for some difficult lyrical phrasing, but I think you know that was coming. No points off at all for the busking style, by the way. I'd throw some money in the guitar case.

3. Temnere - In Flames

I'm not ready to give this one a Darwin Award. It is literally overkill. And there's no indication that the protagonist actually removes himself from the gene pool. While I thoroughly enjoy the performance on every level; on grounds of weakly meeting the challenge, I can't let it break into the top two.

4. Jerkatorium - Oh Pandora

Guys, I love ya. But I've got the same problem here as with Temnere's entry. It's both overkill and not enough. Yup, she sets evil loose on the world; but Pandora herself (at least in this song)...? Meh. She just gets a bad rep and a new address. Besides, I don't think you adequately sold the stupidity of the decision. Give it some foreshadowing besides one "leave it alone" from your dumbass brother-in-law. How good could his advice be, anyway? The moron winds up chained to a rock getting eaten by birds. As you note yourself, she was set up. No Darwin.

SHADOWS

Glen Raphael - Hand Washing (SHADOW) 

Cute song, but no Darwin. See above.

Jocko Homomorphism - Minnow (2020) - Marketing Pitch (SHADOW) 

No Darwin. If anything, Robert's chances of procreation have exponentially increased.

Menage A Tune - BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! (SHADOW) 

This gets not merely a Darwin, but are actual Darwin Award winners. I wouldn't exactly call the tune inspired (it's a pretty standard formula), but it's a neat concept and could be developed. I suspect you'll get grief for the 'politically incorrect' bridge. I wouldn't let that bother you too much. Ironic humor is a part of the Darwins, and this does describe an actual winner.

Micah Sommersmith - Nuclear (SHADOW) 

While it's a nice commentary on the suburban American nuclear family in the tradition of 'Little Boxes' and 'Pleasant Valley Sunday', I don't see anything actually Darwin-winning happening here. Societal malaise isn't what we're looking for. Now, if the "when this family goes nuclear" line were not metaphorical it would be a different story entirely. It still wouldn't be Darwin Award-winning (as the idiot wouldn't be taking out just himself), but at least it would be another story entirely.

Mandibles - Hurricane Camille (SHADOW) 

As a native son of Charleston, SC, I can tell you that hurricane parties are ABSOLUTELY Darwin-worthy!  Or can be, if you don't survive. I wish this were an official entry.  I'd have given it some love.

Governing Dynamics - Sink (SHADOW)

I'm SO glad you broke out the eBow. I love that thing. A nice anthem-ish tune going on here, not rambling at all. And good Darwin-worthy choice of subject. Listening to sirens at sea...? Not a good decision.

Cavedwellers - Kissing Contest (SHADOW) 

What's a Cavedweller? It's like a Jackelope, only slower. Unfortunately, getting sick ain't enough for a Darwin, with certain very specific exceptions that don't appear in this song.