In round 1, I kept coming back to lyrics that lined up awkwardly, words squished or stumbling, and transitions – mostly into choruses – that fell flat and weak. This round I’m hearing a ton of songs whose lyrics let the music carry them naturally and move from section to section with leading harmonies that bring the listener with them. I’d love to take credit for this and claim that my feedback made a difference, but the humble reality is probably something else. Random variance? Other judges giving feedback that was more impactful than mine? I’m just in a better mood this time around? Who can tell?
In any event, this is an amazing round with maybe a dozen songs that could have cracked my top 5 last time.
Melody Klein - Etude No. 15 - Virtual Descartes
Really anything goes here, once you accept the songwriter has free reign to exercise Descartian skepticism about the “right” way to write a song free of preconceptions. Wacky rhythms (which still aggregate to a regular beat if you can find it), a journey through unconventional harmonies, and effects on the vocals both robotic and a kind of noisy lossiness you wouldn’t expect from a digital environment. So even the virtual Descartes is fractured by the pull of contrasting philosophies and lack of acceptance.
I can’t decide whether this is too long or not. If I’m trying to understand the narrative of the AI piecing through its reality, I get impatient for the next line. On the other hand it’s soothing to listen to for as long as you want it to go, but I space out and no longer hear the words. Hmm.
Richard Shakespeare - Push (Sisyphus The Insurance Clark)
I much prefer the structure of this song to the one you wrote for round 1. 2 stanzas, then a very quick pre-chorus building to a tonic resolution is a time tested way to hook the listener. You do take your time getting there: 33 seconds before the first lyric, another 63 to get to “He shouts”, could be tighter and follow that ancient advice, “don’t bore us, get to the chorus”. The leisurely pace explains why a 2-verse, 2-chorus song with no bridge clocks in at 4:51, but I’ll admit that in the end I was surprised at that figure. It doesn’t feel as long as it is and doesn’t get boring.
I do have to take issue with the lyrical structure. If you mean to make a song that doesn’t rhyme in the verses, don’t tease me by rhyming in the very first stanza, then never again. If you want to rhyme “fist” with “pissed”, I recommend keeping up the scheme throughout the other 3 stanzas.
Star Bear - Nothing
I really appreciate the end, both in its final minor vi and the switch to “I” instead of “we”. The song up to this point in some of my listens comes across as an accusatory “we” that doesn’t include the narrator. Like if someone is giving a speech and asking, “why don’t we care about ‘x’ issue? Why don’t we do something about it?” Clearly by simply asking, the speaker is demonstrating that they do care, so the “we” is disingenuous. By the end your narrator includes himself and brings it back to a personal statement, but maybe a bit late?
Your harmonic leadings work, I like the chorus starting on IV and its lead in. The lyrics are both thoughtful (calling from a phone booth in 1988) and touching (“please stay on the line”). I would suggest cutting some of the verse content to tighten up the narrative, and possibly spreading out the timeline. You’re kind of bunched up in your own lifetime/memory but with a 1910 outlier. So you’re not drawing a long line through history to make a point about humanity, nor are you drawing it through your own personal experience, it’s kind of a grey area.
Dented Bento - Og Go to Safeway
Working out some frustrations, Bento?
I admire the thought put into this, from the serious tone setting at the beginning, to just hinting at the deceit in the line before the chorus, to adding synthesized instruments only when appropriate. The narrative reflects a simple parallel between hunting in pre-historic times and shopping for food now, and does it in a very amusing way. I’m not sure how easily I sit with the bridge turn of the unappreciative family barking complaints, but others may identify and feel this part really rounds out the song.
See-Man-Ski - Ellie
Am I picking up a hint of Crash Test Dummies in that stanza-end bVII-V (“Nova Scotia”)? This song touched me in a way unrelated to the free emotions you borrow from the movie. On one listen I forgot about the movie completely and imagined a couple in the house waiting to die, and it worked. In another, the “couple” is our narrator with a picture of his dead wife (like in the movie), and that works too. Insisting on an emotion counter to what must actually be happening, is very powerful and should be in more songs. Telling the wolf “go, run away, I don’t love you” when it needs to escape, or your children “it’s ok, I’m ready” when on your death bed, or something similar is emotional gold, so your narrator insisting he’s going to fly away to paradise makes us recognize the fear and dread even more.
I do feel there could be some way to run through the narrative more poetically. It comes across in places (like the beginning) a bit dry and straightforward, but by the end everything is on track. And maybe there’s a popularity privilege here? You can write, “early morning, April 4, a shot rings out in the Memphis sky” and have a million fans Google it if you’re U-fucking-2, but here we can’t necessarily be vague and expect people to do the work of assembling a narrative out of fragments. I know I’ve written that way and had judges say, “what the hell is this about?”
rackwagon - Please Like and Subscribe
You definitely get your message across, and it’s a very relatable one. Man, the number of times I check SpinTunes results and I’m lower than I expected to be, only to re-listen to all the other songs and have to acknowledge that the judges were right… damn. That sucks, in no small part because of how hard I worked to craft each line, each transition, each riff and fill. But others were just better.
The mix of orchestral articulations and an 80s-esque feel to the chorus is very listenable. Somehow it’s jarring to me when you specify Soundcloud – instead of just leaving it as “the cloud” – and “Twitch” rather than just your stream. Makes the song locked into a moment in time and may sound strange/amusing in 10 years, plus the words don’t necessarily add to what you’re trying to say, so there’s no compensating value.
Mandibles - The Jester King
Really really digging this; solid rock, intuitive movements and transitions, lyrics that flow well in their setting. In particular I like the decision to have a short, repeated refrain. I myself have difficulty letting go and just repeating a line, but it’s super effective and used in a large number of successful songs, along with the playful variations you add to it as the song finishes up, adding energy repeat by repeat until the end.
When all my rankings shake out, you may end up at the top, you may not. But if you’re further down it won’t be because there’s some fundamental flaw in your songwriting, it would just be that some other song(s) resonated more emotionally. I know I judged you harshly last round, in part for comprehensibility and in part for lyrical flow and scansion. This time around the lyrics sit well in their context, and the narrative is a pleasant kind of vague that doesn’t tease me with feeling I’m supposed to know what you’re talking about. It’s a fine line, I know.
The Dutch Widows - Demolition Order
Hey, this song is really fun! The lyrical rhythm is all over the place, but maybe that’s ok? There are always exceptions to the rules (tell that to your narrator!), so in a song as silly as this, why not have words just fly around like a straw house blown away by a wolf?
I would say that you missed an opportunity to give personality to your narrator. I get the character of a bureaucratic figure who leans on policy to justify any and all actions. But inside, there could be a legit human/wolf, or else why bother tell it from his perspective? How about a feeling of disappointment when the brick house passes inspection? Because inside he really wants to blow down the houses and only pretends it’s all just impersonal following of policy?
Firefly - Dot Dash Dance
Such a sad state of affairs, being stuck inside, trying to get out that all-important cry: Let’s Dance! It calls out a plea for connection in a situation where none is possible, but maybe if the message is received that’s enough? Loving the instrumentation, how the guitars overlay in creative lines behind the vocals; gives it a nice texture and keeps the beat moving forward. And of course a song like this wouldn’t work unless it’s danceable, and it is.
Hot Pink Halo - Going Really Far
Very mellow, very soothing, as if comforting a longtime friend as they pass from one adventure to the next. Possibly because of this there could be more contrast between verse and chorus, but I’m not sure that even involves the songwriting. You could work it all out in production and take the exact same song up a level with something added to the chorus. Hold on… just listened again and I’m thinking where you have the bass playing more staccato in the chorus, why not switch that to the verse? Then the chorus can breath out with full, legato bass, some added high end, and really envelop the vocals, embrace them.
I’m also noticing that as much as this story could be set in the future and involve a literal trip to Venus, it could also just be metaphorical and Tijuana is a world away from his perspective. Bye bye, Phar Lap. You’re 5,000 candles in the wind.
Governing Dynamics - A Traveler’s Journal
Hmm, I’ll get to the music in a bit. First I’m going to take issue with the message and what I see as a spoiled opportunity, but with a disclaimer. I’m Jewish and feel weird even having an opinion on a Christian parable, but in context, I’ve always taken the good Samaritan to be an example about prejudice and treating people as people instead of groups. From the perspective of your narrator – the wounded traveler – it should hit hard to learn that the person who helped him was a Samaritan, and it opens his eyes to his own prejudice and hatred. This song addresses none of that and focuses in on paying it forward. A worthwhile message, of course, but to me not as powerful as I’d have preferred.
Musically, just like last round I draw attention to a lack of contrast between sections. Listening without the words in front of me, the only way I’m able to notice I’m in the chorus is the second time through when I recognize the words repeating.
Sober - The Soldier’s Song
Always a solid foundation to make your narrator a concept, an archetype, and have them describe how they were there in a lot of different situations. I guess “I Write the Songs” was canonically about God, but I always heard it as a muse who influences creativity. And maybe it’s the same thing, depending on your beliefs. Your narrator is “the soldier” as a concept, or is it? Could be the push and pull of history through conflict, or the human desire for glory. And it works very effectively, though I’d have named the song “This Eternal Role”.
Great job.
chewmeupspitmeout - Narcissus and Echo
I don’t know if it’s become a cliché yet – the narcissism awash across social media and inherent in its addiction – but you could have leveraged that more in this song, making it about something more than a reset, retelling of the myth and getting extra value out of its novel setting. With references to both social media and working out in a gym you definitely dip a toe into this pool but stop shy of diving in.
With the slow pace you’ve established, I do struggle to maintain attention in the absence of emotional ups and down reflected in its production. It’s very possible that the song as written could support this kind of journey and all it takes is an engineer. Clearly, you do introduce drums just before 2:30 and drop them out at the end, so some thought went into this, but I think it could be taken further.
Ominous Ride - Allegory of the Echo Chamber
Very clever, using I-vi-IV-V to ground this song in the ‘50s from the beginning, then introducing backup texture to reinforce it after the first chorus. Was that really the chorus? It resolves with the same V-vi that the prechorus uses, leaving the listener with nothing to hang on. For my money, “(I found)/(There is) a place out in the sun” is actually the chorus, and is what a listener will walk away from this song remembering.
Speaking of the line above, that stanza and the others like it are wonderful. The AAAB CCCB rhymes are super effective and keep the listener interested in what’s coming next. Finally, I get the narrative purpose in delving into specifics after the first chorus, but I question how on the nose you are with the examples. Second verses are my bane so I have no good suggestions, but a little more poetry, a little less straight up narration may be called for here.
FireBear - True Love
Oof, having a lot of difficulty with this one. I had such high hopes, both from the source material and how it starts. It sounds SO good, and “there was a girl named Buttercup” gets us off on the right foot. The lack of rhymes doesn’t seem to matter, in large part because of the styling, and have I mentioned how good it sounds?
But the chorus needs to work, and this one just falls flat for me. The lines you took from the movie, I didn’t even think were that profound in situ. When extracted and made the central point of a song, it’s too busy, too many syllables for a repeated line, and the big rhyme to end the chorus is “you”, paired up with “you”. Up above, I compare Sober’s narrator to the one in a Barry Manilow song which rhymes “song” with “songs”. And yes, it bothers me there as well.
Phlub - A Night in Babylon
Holy crap, where’d my absinthe go?
I feel like you’re going to get highs and lows across the judges, and that your ranking from me may be in the middle, but averaging out highs and lows in my own experience as I listen. The music is both adventurous in its meandering, stumbling path through the experience, and lazy in its core composition. The lyrics are poetic in their imagery and metaphor, while completely without any sense of verse. At times this unstructured haze works perfectly, and at others it works at odds with the feel the production presents. I kind of wish I had real advice for you because there’s definitely something good here, but this kind of songwriting is not something I could do well.
Night Sky - Murder on the Greyhound
Now this is a straight shooter narrative that works. I’ve had some criticism of some of these stories that tell their progressions straight out, but I think what they may have been missing is just a quicker tempo. You give us a beat to hang on and feel real movement as the story is told, fending off distraction. The repeated patterns in your stanzas (AAB) work for what they are, and even hide a triplet near rhyme on the last line of each (thieves/intrigue/indeed).
At that point however (2:38) you reach a refrain that functions as a natural bridge, even to the point of getting more meta and less narrative with its message. Great so far. But you kind of used up that IV in the ‘B’ part of the previous pattern, and it’s no longer novel. You need to start this refrain on a major VI or something to give us something different in the bridge, because its primary purpose is to break up the repetitive nature of the song up to this point. Then you can head back into the main theme and end however you like.
Also In Blue - I Know Tom Dooley Done It
And right on the heels of a bouncy tune carrying the narrative, you give me another! Is that a mandolin you’re picking at? Anyway, excellent job with the construction. The chorus does just what I’ve been begging people to do, which is to climax the energy. Fill it with instruments, take it up in pitch, give it impactful lyrics, anything to make it the center of both the listener’s attention and the message of the song. You do all this, as well as the same easygoing lyrical patterns I heard from you 2 weeks ago.
Suggestions here are few. Perhaps group the 6 stanzas before the chorus (and the matching patterned ones after) into 3 pairs, with a melody rising to the 5th in the first of each and down to the tonic for the second. Might make it feel like a more natural flow. And then – and this would be difficult – find a way to get that 6 down to 4. Your bridge at 3:53 does break at a good place, but it’s still after a full song’s worth of content has passed. Then you have another 5 stanzas that could maybe be another 4 instead? 12 lines of narrative total is a lot to take out of a story, not sure if it could be done well, but it’s worth exploring.
Anyway, I love this song; you’re definitely going to be near the top again.
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