Since there's a lot of overlap between SpinTunes and Song Fight participants, the Song Fight folks have given us our own subforum on their message boards. Occasionally participants will post reviews there. You can read all posts even without an account, but with an account you can join in the fun. The Song Fight forums host conversations about all sorts of other stuff too, both music-related and not.
Jim of Seattle, a longtime Song Fighter who's doing SpinTunes for the first time, has posted his own extensive reviews of Round 1 over there, and with his permission I'm reposting them here.
--
Hey all, my first SpinTunes, but an old time Song Fighter. Over yonder, they post reviews of each others' songs, and I'm not seeing that yet here, so I'm starting off with a few to start with. More to come of course.
matt rhog-miller - Retail Therapy
THEMATIC CLARITY
The lyrics confuse me in this song. I like the concept you're going for, the guy who is using retail as therapy, but the hook of wanting things to come in green does not feel set up properly. Is it that he's obsessed with green things, or that the shopping and buying in itself is the therapy? If that ambiguity were cleared up I would be along for the ride a lot more comfortably. I want to know: Is this guy weird, or are we supposed to relate to him? Either way is ok, but I want to know so I can settle in.
IMAGERY
As mentioned, I'm down with the idea for the song. I think it could be punched up a great deal with more specific and expressive images. For example, instead of saying "It's been a long week at a stressful job", maybe mention something that actually happened, or what the stressful job is, so we have a picture in our heads to hang onto. The lyrics come across pretty flat for that reason - a lot of vague pronouncements like "Makes me feel I want something more", "I can't deny myself" and "I'm just thinking of the joy it could bring". It's a funny idea, you have an opportunity to play with it. If he is obsessed with green things, maybe list some things he really desires if only they came in green (chicken drumsticks, DVD players). Or maybe a verse where he finds some amazing deal on something really great, such as a brand new Xbox for $20, but it only comes in purple, so he doesn't get it. Stuff like that.
MUSIC
Mostly this works fine. The tunes are pleasant and easy, and the chord changes work well. Perhaps alter the strum patterns a bit more to delineate the different sections, especially since all you have is the guitar so there's no opportunity to change up the instrumentation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel Sitler - Only (Kind of) Blue
THE SOURCE
I like the idea of basing a song on Blue in Green, especially given the backstory and the lyrics. You mention that it's nearly unrecognizable and so it is. I've got that album practically memorized and I don't hear it. Of course, you didn't need to only reference it in the main melody, it would have been very effective to quote it more overtly in breaks between lines. I am reminded of "Reminiscing" by Little River Band, at 1:16 they sing "And a Porter tune/Made us dance across the room", and the BG Vocals quote the Porter tune "Night and daaaayyyyy". Always loved that. Anyway... Missed opportunity for you there I think. How sweet it could be for those who know the original to be able to pick it out in your song.
LYRIC CONFUSION
The line "I'm fading to a hue/I never could have seen through/But it's only blue", when spoken apart from the music, doesn't make any sense to me. This is a problem because it's the "punch line" so to speak, of the song, and here's where we will be getting the main gist. So to have something kind of confusing right there is another missed opportunity. What is a hue one can see through? Is it about a color or about some kind of transparency or what? I'm sure you know what that means, but I don't think it's coming across as effectively as it needs to. I also don't understand the line "I couldn't keep up with you". Was the song played too fast? It's such a slow song, so that also confused me. Are you speaking figuratively in that case? What does that mean exactly?
MIXED METAPHORS
The second verse which starts "If I were blue you were deeper" tosses in so many different metaphors it's impossible to keep up. There are metaphors for colors, boxing, swimming, sleeping, all bunched up together. There's no way the average human brain can make all those connections all in a row like that.
MUSIC
No real complaints here. The guitar riff is nice and memorable, the cello is a pretty touch, could have been given more to do even, and the tune is nice. When you bring us the D chord at "We were dancing to..." it's a satisfying change. I might have used a different progression starting at "hue" and running under "I never could have seen it through", since that's the same progression you're using for the verse. Loses a little impact because that descending progression starts to wear out its welcome, but if other things were fixed I don't think that would bug me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See-Man-Ski - Pulp
METAPHOR?
So this works great all in all. A few little tweaks and it's done. I love the concept of the lyric, but it only occurred to me at the third listen that the whole pulp thing was maybe supposed to be a metaphor for how he wants the relationship itself to go, and not just literally about juice. When I thought it was just about juice, I thought it was a funny and effective juxtaposition of the heavy music style with the banality of the lyric, and that's as far as I thought it went. Then the third time I was like "Wait.. is he really talking about HER??" This thought came to me when reading along the second verse "After a while you come over". None of that seems to have anything to do with juice. The idea of separating could be used in terms of juice as well as their relationship. Great opportunity to have some fun with that. Which brings me to...
SECOND VERSE
So... SHE comes over? In the first verse he comes to her place. So where is she now? Is this later? Is the lip about juice or something else? The whole second verse is confusing and a bit of a let down given how I'm so on board with the idea after the first verse and chorus. I know it seems dumb to worry about stuff like that in a song like this, but keeping the actual logistics of the characters in the lyrics is vital to make this work as well as possible. And what is she saying no to exactly?
MUSIC
Not knowing any other music by you, I have no idea if all your songs have this gritty vibe, but either way, you're clearly in comfortable territory musically, and it comes off totally naturally. The EQ on the spoken parts is dead on. Nice job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dutch Widows - Pastel Purple Icing
LYRICS
First off, telling people they can earn points if they can figure out what the song is about was not a good sign. That said, I don't have a lot of problem with the lyrics. They aren't done, but they're getting there. References to both Christmas and to June were confusing. Some nice evocative imagery I appreciated, the hundred bottles, the figurines, etc. But they don't really add up to a concreteness that I can totally grasp
MUSIC
Where I had some significant trouble with this song is in the repetitiveness of it. I would understand that if the song were telling a really specific story, so the music has to take a back seat, but it's not that kind of song, so the music needed to carry some weight. It doesn't, so combined with the opaque lyrics, it is all kind of boring. Afer A-D-A-D-A-D all that time, any other chord or melodic idea would have gone a long way to open things up. We don't have anything to really hang onto.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chas Rock - Hazel Green
STRUCTURE
I think the melodic and lyric structure of the verses is very nice. I love how you mirror certain words in every verse (morning, will), and how you changed up the meaning of "will" at the end. The melodic phrasing is fresh and satisfying. How you come down from mo-oorning to "I don't think we will" makes for a really nice arc and leads us into each break nicely.
CLUNKS
Where I think this song could be improved is in some of the inelegant lyrics, both in terms of making sense and in terms of prosody. "You're solving every problem from tomorrow you've foreseen" is quite awkward, so you need to spend some quality time with that line to mold it into something much cleaner. I don't understand it. I also have a problem with "Otherwise you'd be in bed by dawn". Huh? I adore "If it wasnt' for the moon you'd do without the night", really pretty and vivid, but then the next line kind of undoes it, and I'm confused. And the last verse needs the most work. In fact, I'd start over with the last verse. Not only is it confusing, the prosody is almost exactly opposite to what it should be, so it doesn't work narratively OR syllabically. Maybe a factor of the short time period to work on it?
CHALLENGE
Her name could have been Carol Keene, or Susie Sheen, or Meg McLean.... I'm not a judge in this contest, but if I were I'd ding you points for not really meeting the challenge, as the song isn't about a color, but just about someone who has colors in her name. Foul!
ARRANGEMENT
Just a quick note that I don't think all the percussion activity is necessary. I would keep the percussion a lot simpler. Small detail but worth noting.
Anyway, I like this one quite a lot. Fix a few things and it's a real keeper to be proud of.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timothy Patrick Hinkle - Slate
MOSTLY CLEAN MUSIC
I like your wavering between B minor and D major, and of course that Bb-C-D progression at the end of the verse is delightful, as is the B major under "grey". I think the melody in the verse wanders a little, could use a little tightening, but overall, it's a pretty tune over pretty changes.
THAT CHROUS CYMBAL
I would lose it entirely. It pulls far too much focus from the song. Not too crazy about the snare fills either, but tbh, after having listened to all 32 songs, when I got back to yours again for the second listen, my first thought was "Oh yeah, it's the song with that cymbal."
LYRIC STUMBLES
While I do like most of the lyrics here, it feels like you could have spent another day perfecting them, as there are a few sore thumbs sticking out. I say that with some optimism because the first verse is clean and specific and vivid. Then you start to get a little unnecessarily ornate and tortured with phrases like "sorrow's chalk", "the air's dry fingers" amd "my composure I'll unlace". I think with this style of song, you are better off sticking to simpler vocabulary while saying the same things.
GREENSLEEVES?
Was the repeated quote of Greensleeves intentional? I notice it every time. 0:01, 0:56, etc.
Anyway, this should make it to the next round for sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ominous Ride - Gin Black Daze
According to your notes, you put this together pretty quickly and don't sound too attached to it, so my comments will be brief. I don't know what a gin black daze is, so even though it's a rock and roll phrase for sure, that left me at something of a distance from the lyrics. The hook is servcieable and the gradual adding of harmonies when singing the title was working for me. By the end I was kind of into it, but it took me a long while to warm up to this song. There's a nugget there for sure though should you want to pursue it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Governing Dynamics - Violetlies
PERFORMANCE
I don't want to get too much into performance or production, but in this case it's a pretty salient impediment to appreciating the song. While a little off-key singing is ok, this performance is too far off the mark for too much of the song, and it detracts enough to mention. Additionally, the noodly guitar figures seem too loose, and I wish the performance was tighter so that it grooved like it's supposed to.
RAMBLING MELODY & STRUCTURE
There are long sections in this song where the melody sounds like it's sort of being made up on the spot, and you don't care much what it's supposed to be, that it's all about emoting in the right way and getting the lyrics out. I hear two distinct verses to start off, but then things just start to wander and so do I, right around "absences opening circuits" and thereafter. Sort of sounds like another verse, sort of like a bridge maybe, but it's not clear, and as mentioned, it doesn't feel like you know what the tune is.
OPAQUE LYRICS
I can see a nice structure here, where each verse is a different violet thing. I like that, and it's a cool idea, ending up with violet lies, which is an arresting image. Nice. Much in between though is too opaque. I'm sure it means something to you, but you aren't letting your listener in at all. "absences opening circuits / I want it but do I deserve it / in the silence of your violet skied violence / not so much magic as tragic contrivance". I have no idea what any of that means. So I'm left out of it and lose interest.
Sorry I don't have better news here, this one just didn't do it for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sara Parsons - Secondary
FAMILIARITY
Just a quick non-review aside here: Your lyrics idea matches mine to a large degree. We are both listing interesting things of a certain color. And in the cases of blue and green, we are even doing the same colors! It was fun to see what you came up with compared to what I came up with.
I really like the fresh and clear imagery in your lists, though I was never sure what you meant by any of them. So I'm not sure what you are trying to communicate by comparing yourself to lines on a highway or a dandelion in the driveway. Not really a criticism, more an observation. Same thing for the blue list. Why not like the sea or a new pair of jeans? Those seem like beautiful happy things, whereas the cold moon isn't so flattering. Again, not criticism, just wondering what you're trying to get across with the images chosen.
This reminded me of https://open.spotify.com/track/57iaA3S1OKyykQclUe7JT2?si=3780beddb2fc45dd which it has the line "You could call her a diamond / Not because she's precious but because she's hard". In that instance she's meticulously spelling out the point of her imagery, and I wanted to understand the images you chose just as clearly.
GREEN
So it wasn't until the third time through that I made the connection that the two characters are yellow and blue and that together they make green. Terrific idea, but maybe it should be spelled out a little more explicitly, as I wonder if others also didn't make that connection. Probably me just slow on the uptake. The totalled car thing seems out of place. It's a violent image all of a sudden, and I found myself dwelling on what happened there - Wow, what happened?? Were you ok? Was there another driver? The fact that the car was totalled seems like an unnecessary and too-loud detail you could do without as far as what the song is trying to say. You loved the car, that's what's important.
SECONDARY
At one point you are turning green. But a few lines earlier you were saying that the two of you are like green, so then later you are saying YOU are being turned green. That's unclear. All in all, you are really onto something thematically excellent here with the lyrics, but I don't think it's completely gelled quite yet.
MUSIC
Just my taste speaking here, but the non-entity of the tune and chords bugged me a little. I wish this song had had a little more attention paid to that. I want it to be musically beguiling and sweet, but instead it feels slapped together, asking the lyrics and performance to carry the whole thing.
Nice job, definitely will be seeing you in round 2. (Should I also make it that far, of course.)
matt rhog-miller - Retail Therapy
THEMATIC CLARITY
The lyrics confuse me in this song. I like the concept you're going for, the guy who is using retail as therapy, but the hook of wanting things to come in green does not feel set up properly. Is it that he's obsessed with green things, or that the shopping and buying in itself is the therapy? If that ambiguity were cleared up I would be along for the ride a lot more comfortably. I want to know: Is this guy weird, or are we supposed to relate to him? Either way is ok, but I want to know so I can settle in.
IMAGERY
As mentioned, I'm down with the idea for the song. I think it could be punched up a great deal with more specific and expressive images. For example, instead of saying "It's been a long week at a stressful job", maybe mention something that actually happened, or what the stressful job is, so we have a picture in our heads to hang onto. The lyrics come across pretty flat for that reason - a lot of vague pronouncements like "Makes me feel I want something more", "I can't deny myself" and "I'm just thinking of the joy it could bring". It's a funny idea, you have an opportunity to play with it. If he is obsessed with green things, maybe list some things he really desires if only they came in green (chicken drumsticks, DVD players). Or maybe a verse where he finds some amazing deal on something really great, such as a brand new Xbox for $20, but it only comes in purple, so he doesn't get it. Stuff like that.
MUSIC
Mostly this works fine. The tunes are pleasant and easy, and the chord changes work well. Perhaps alter the strum patterns a bit more to delineate the different sections, especially since all you have is the guitar so there's no opportunity to change up the instrumentation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daniel Sitler - Only (Kind of) Blue
THE SOURCE
I like the idea of basing a song on Blue in Green, especially given the backstory and the lyrics. You mention that it's nearly unrecognizable and so it is. I've got that album practically memorized and I don't hear it. Of course, you didn't need to only reference it in the main melody, it would have been very effective to quote it more overtly in breaks between lines. I am reminded of "Reminiscing" by Little River Band, at 1:16 they sing "And a Porter tune/Made us dance across the room", and the BG Vocals quote the Porter tune "Night and daaaayyyyy". Always loved that. Anyway... Missed opportunity for you there I think. How sweet it could be for those who know the original to be able to pick it out in your song.
LYRIC CONFUSION
The line "I'm fading to a hue/I never could have seen through/But it's only blue", when spoken apart from the music, doesn't make any sense to me. This is a problem because it's the "punch line" so to speak, of the song, and here's where we will be getting the main gist. So to have something kind of confusing right there is another missed opportunity. What is a hue one can see through? Is it about a color or about some kind of transparency or what? I'm sure you know what that means, but I don't think it's coming across as effectively as it needs to. I also don't understand the line "I couldn't keep up with you". Was the song played too fast? It's such a slow song, so that also confused me. Are you speaking figuratively in that case? What does that mean exactly?
MIXED METAPHORS
The second verse which starts "If I were blue you were deeper" tosses in so many different metaphors it's impossible to keep up. There are metaphors for colors, boxing, swimming, sleeping, all bunched up together. There's no way the average human brain can make all those connections all in a row like that.
MUSIC
No real complaints here. The guitar riff is nice and memorable, the cello is a pretty touch, could have been given more to do even, and the tune is nice. When you bring us the D chord at "We were dancing to..." it's a satisfying change. I might have used a different progression starting at "hue" and running under "I never could have seen it through", since that's the same progression you're using for the verse. Loses a little impact because that descending progression starts to wear out its welcome, but if other things were fixed I don't think that would bug me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
See-Man-Ski - Pulp
METAPHOR?
So this works great all in all. A few little tweaks and it's done. I love the concept of the lyric, but it only occurred to me at the third listen that the whole pulp thing was maybe supposed to be a metaphor for how he wants the relationship itself to go, and not just literally about juice. When I thought it was just about juice, I thought it was a funny and effective juxtaposition of the heavy music style with the banality of the lyric, and that's as far as I thought it went. Then the third time I was like "Wait.. is he really talking about HER??" This thought came to me when reading along the second verse "After a while you come over". None of that seems to have anything to do with juice. The idea of separating could be used in terms of juice as well as their relationship. Great opportunity to have some fun with that. Which brings me to...
SECOND VERSE
So... SHE comes over? In the first verse he comes to her place. So where is she now? Is this later? Is the lip about juice or something else? The whole second verse is confusing and a bit of a let down given how I'm so on board with the idea after the first verse and chorus. I know it seems dumb to worry about stuff like that in a song like this, but keeping the actual logistics of the characters in the lyrics is vital to make this work as well as possible. And what is she saying no to exactly?
MUSIC
Not knowing any other music by you, I have no idea if all your songs have this gritty vibe, but either way, you're clearly in comfortable territory musically, and it comes off totally naturally. The EQ on the spoken parts is dead on. Nice job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Dutch Widows - Pastel Purple Icing
LYRICS
First off, telling people they can earn points if they can figure out what the song is about was not a good sign. That said, I don't have a lot of problem with the lyrics. They aren't done, but they're getting there. References to both Christmas and to June were confusing. Some nice evocative imagery I appreciated, the hundred bottles, the figurines, etc. But they don't really add up to a concreteness that I can totally grasp
MUSIC
Where I had some significant trouble with this song is in the repetitiveness of it. I would understand that if the song were telling a really specific story, so the music has to take a back seat, but it's not that kind of song, so the music needed to carry some weight. It doesn't, so combined with the opaque lyrics, it is all kind of boring. Afer A-D-A-D-A-D all that time, any other chord or melodic idea would have gone a long way to open things up. We don't have anything to really hang onto.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chas Rock - Hazel Green
STRUCTURE
I think the melodic and lyric structure of the verses is very nice. I love how you mirror certain words in every verse (morning, will), and how you changed up the meaning of "will" at the end. The melodic phrasing is fresh and satisfying. How you come down from mo-oorning to "I don't think we will" makes for a really nice arc and leads us into each break nicely.
CLUNKS
Where I think this song could be improved is in some of the inelegant lyrics, both in terms of making sense and in terms of prosody. "You're solving every problem from tomorrow you've foreseen" is quite awkward, so you need to spend some quality time with that line to mold it into something much cleaner. I don't understand it. I also have a problem with "Otherwise you'd be in bed by dawn". Huh? I adore "If it wasnt' for the moon you'd do without the night", really pretty and vivid, but then the next line kind of undoes it, and I'm confused. And the last verse needs the most work. In fact, I'd start over with the last verse. Not only is it confusing, the prosody is almost exactly opposite to what it should be, so it doesn't work narratively OR syllabically. Maybe a factor of the short time period to work on it?
CHALLENGE
Her name could have been Carol Keene, or Susie Sheen, or Meg McLean.... I'm not a judge in this contest, but if I were I'd ding you points for not really meeting the challenge, as the song isn't about a color, but just about someone who has colors in her name. Foul!
ARRANGEMENT
Just a quick note that I don't think all the percussion activity is necessary. I would keep the percussion a lot simpler. Small detail but worth noting.
Anyway, I like this one quite a lot. Fix a few things and it's a real keeper to be proud of.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Timothy Patrick Hinkle - Slate
MOSTLY CLEAN MUSIC
I like your wavering between B minor and D major, and of course that Bb-C-D progression at the end of the verse is delightful, as is the B major under "grey". I think the melody in the verse wanders a little, could use a little tightening, but overall, it's a pretty tune over pretty changes.
THAT CHROUS CYMBAL
I would lose it entirely. It pulls far too much focus from the song. Not too crazy about the snare fills either, but tbh, after having listened to all 32 songs, when I got back to yours again for the second listen, my first thought was "Oh yeah, it's the song with that cymbal."
LYRIC STUMBLES
While I do like most of the lyrics here, it feels like you could have spent another day perfecting them, as there are a few sore thumbs sticking out. I say that with some optimism because the first verse is clean and specific and vivid. Then you start to get a little unnecessarily ornate and tortured with phrases like "sorrow's chalk", "the air's dry fingers" amd "my composure I'll unlace". I think with this style of song, you are better off sticking to simpler vocabulary while saying the same things.
GREENSLEEVES?
Was the repeated quote of Greensleeves intentional? I notice it every time. 0:01, 0:56, etc.
Anyway, this should make it to the next round for sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ominous Ride - Gin Black Daze
According to your notes, you put this together pretty quickly and don't sound too attached to it, so my comments will be brief. I don't know what a gin black daze is, so even though it's a rock and roll phrase for sure, that left me at something of a distance from the lyrics. The hook is servcieable and the gradual adding of harmonies when singing the title was working for me. By the end I was kind of into it, but it took me a long while to warm up to this song. There's a nugget there for sure though should you want to pursue it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Governing Dynamics - Violetlies
PERFORMANCE
I don't want to get too much into performance or production, but in this case it's a pretty salient impediment to appreciating the song. While a little off-key singing is ok, this performance is too far off the mark for too much of the song, and it detracts enough to mention. Additionally, the noodly guitar figures seem too loose, and I wish the performance was tighter so that it grooved like it's supposed to.
RAMBLING MELODY & STRUCTURE
There are long sections in this song where the melody sounds like it's sort of being made up on the spot, and you don't care much what it's supposed to be, that it's all about emoting in the right way and getting the lyrics out. I hear two distinct verses to start off, but then things just start to wander and so do I, right around "absences opening circuits" and thereafter. Sort of sounds like another verse, sort of like a bridge maybe, but it's not clear, and as mentioned, it doesn't feel like you know what the tune is.
OPAQUE LYRICS
I can see a nice structure here, where each verse is a different violet thing. I like that, and it's a cool idea, ending up with violet lies, which is an arresting image. Nice. Much in between though is too opaque. I'm sure it means something to you, but you aren't letting your listener in at all. "absences opening circuits / I want it but do I deserve it / in the silence of your violet skied violence / not so much magic as tragic contrivance". I have no idea what any of that means. So I'm left out of it and lose interest.
Sorry I don't have better news here, this one just didn't do it for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sara Parsons - Secondary
FAMILIARITY
Just a quick non-review aside here: Your lyrics idea matches mine to a large degree. We are both listing interesting things of a certain color. And in the cases of blue and green, we are even doing the same colors! It was fun to see what you came up with compared to what I came up with.
I really like the fresh and clear imagery in your lists, though I was never sure what you meant by any of them. So I'm not sure what you are trying to communicate by comparing yourself to lines on a highway or a dandelion in the driveway. Not really a criticism, more an observation. Same thing for the blue list. Why not like the sea or a new pair of jeans? Those seem like beautiful happy things, whereas the cold moon isn't so flattering. Again, not criticism, just wondering what you're trying to get across with the images chosen.
This reminded me of https://open.spotify.com/track/57iaA3S1OKyykQclUe7JT2?si=3780beddb2fc45dd which it has the line "You could call her a diamond / Not because she's precious but because she's hard". In that instance she's meticulously spelling out the point of her imagery, and I wanted to understand the images you chose just as clearly.
GREEN
So it wasn't until the third time through that I made the connection that the two characters are yellow and blue and that together they make green. Terrific idea, but maybe it should be spelled out a little more explicitly, as I wonder if others also didn't make that connection. Probably me just slow on the uptake. The totalled car thing seems out of place. It's a violent image all of a sudden, and I found myself dwelling on what happened there - Wow, what happened?? Were you ok? Was there another driver? The fact that the car was totalled seems like an unnecessary and too-loud detail you could do without as far as what the song is trying to say. You loved the car, that's what's important.
SECONDARY
At one point you are turning green. But a few lines earlier you were saying that the two of you are like green, so then later you are saying YOU are being turned green. That's unclear. All in all, you are really onto something thematically excellent here with the lyrics, but I don't think it's completely gelled quite yet.
MUSIC
Just my taste speaking here, but the non-entity of the tune and chords bugged me a little. I wish this song had had a little more attention paid to that. I want it to be musically beguiling and sweet, but instead it feels slapped together, asking the lyrics and performance to carry the whole thing.
Nice job, definitely will be seeing you in round 2. (Should I also make it that far, of course.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entertainment Brothers - Purple
There's a lot to like here. The song has a theme, and is easy to follow along with. Performances are all fine. I like the idea of the tongue being purple from the blues. But I'm afraid I have a problem with just about every line in this lyric. Rather than go into detail, I'll just leave it at that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Brewhouse Sessions - #FFC0CB
First off, the color in your cover art is actually #F5C3CC. Very close, definitely pink, but technically not correct. Foul!!!
Second, I'm really glad I decided to read the lyrics, because until then I was so confused why you were showing off your pizza to whoever you meet.
This is perfectly fine, a little too repetitive musically. The section about being an NFT seems like it's supposed to be a chorus since it's repeated later, but it's the same three chords as the "verse", so the sound gets pretty droning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cavedwellers - Chartreuse
The line "French brandy at your lips" kept reminding me of the second line of Don McLean's "Vincent" (https://open.spotify.com/track/0VNzEY1G ... 15d4304eb3 first heard at 0:05). Neither here nor there, but I can't not hear it now. I also prefer where he went musically after that line, so "deadly widow's kiss" disappoints in comparison.
This is all nicely done. The songwriting is coherent and well-structured and the production is solid. If I heard this on the radio (in 1985 of course) I wouldn't turn it off, but I would have had to hear it like 5 times before it made any impression on me. It all sort of stays at the same level somehow, a little too subdued, but not quite cool either. Just sort of sits there. Definitely ought to get you into round 2 though.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jealous Brother - Lemon Tangerine
If I squint a bit I don't mind this song one bit. Nice bouncy feel, completely listenable. Once I break out the magnifying glass, though, the cracks start to show, and that's what I'd like to talk about. Even though, it's perfectly pleasant listening.
There are some structural problems which are easy fixes and I think would make the whole thing flow a lot better. It feels awkward to land back on the C chord on "live in her submarine", and then go straight into the break. I was expecting a bridge or chorus here, some sort of hook to hang onto. I'm not ready for a guitar solo at that point. On the line "her dress was yellow and gold", it's clearly a bridge, but it sounds somewhat like the verse, and would be better if it was more different, and then built up to a nice finish from which we could careen back down into the verse. I would cut the entire verse that starts with "A veiled distress call". After the bridge go right into "her dress was yellow", a line we've heard before, and that would be more satisfying. You could also have moved the guitar solo right after that. I think what I'm not getting that I want is a clarity of structure, a hook that I know when to expect, all that stuff.
Lyrically, I don't know what you're talking about, which I know is common, but I have never liked it. A little mysterious imagery goes a long way, but when every lyric reads like "I Am the Walrus" it gets a little distancing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian Gray - Purple Dot / Something Like Home
I was tickled by your obvious Patinkin-as-Seurat imitation, you sound a lot like him. https://open.spotify.com/track/0GGnyeZB ... 702dfb4709. Also, the arrangement is very accomplished, nice job.
This song is much too long, however, with the Something Like Home section wearing out its welcome long before it's over. There is too much reliance on "bigness" to create an atmosphere of climax, while musically it's pretty much the same material repeated over & over. Also, I felt left out on the lines you were "acting", because having not read the notes, I didn't know what you were singing about.
I do feel a great deal of recognition with my own style, however, and while there are things I would do to improve this, there are other things I couldn't do as well.
(I also employ the cloned voice harmony technique, so let me give you a tip on making that work better: Bring down the levels of the hamrony parts, pan them out, double or triple track them, change the EQ, and add a touch of reverb, it'll be less obvious that it's just the same person singing all the parts.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Guy Sojabe - Grey
This song makes me so nostalgic for what my home town used to be in 1991.... Thanks!
This is a strong contender indeed. Lyrically, you have an idea, and play it out effectively, you're not just making shit up. The song structure is right on point. The chorus hits that sweet spot of being different enough but not too different. You knows what you is doing here. The theme of the lyric matches nicely with the vibe of the music, basically everything is working. Very nice.
"Ink ran out long ago" <- nah, that line is too clever for this song.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jocko Homomorphism - Eigengrau
I can tell you exactly why this song does not work. The vocal performance is too bland for so limited and square a tune. If your song is going to be robotic and static like this, that's fine, but you have to give us something. Sing like a robot, or put some interesting effect on it, or sing it with crazy exacting precision, give us SOMEthing. Like you did that cutting out effect in the fade out. Something like that. Sell it somehow. The vocal performance is far too flat to pull off this kind of tune, (and btw you anticipate the beat with almost every line you sing).
Songwritingly speaking, this is pretty nice, it mostly works for me. I enjoyed the few little unexpected chord moments. You keep it musically fresh enough to hold things together. Given what the song is apparently about from reading your notes, there's a lot more opportunity to create a unique musical atmosphere that more vividly evokes the eyes closed sensation. You're saying it with words, but I'm not feeling it.
The bloopies are interesting a couple times, but get annoying before the song is half over.
Just my take, but I'd up the tempo a bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phlubububub - Indigo
Nice idea for a lyric, and I enjoyed reading it much more than I anjoyed listening to it, the lyrics are kind of pretty. I would go back with a fine-toothed comb and clean them up, as you waver between past and present tense, easy fix. It's nice that you repeat the first two lines of the chorus, and then the third line points out some different aspect of the painting that you apprecia--- except doh! Two of the verses are the same and one is a repeat. All three should be different, or all three the same. I'm confused that the opening verse isn't so much an intro (musically), but it's just different musical material from everything else, and we don't hear it again. Structurally, it's confusing. I think it's supposed to be an intro, but the arrangement doesn't clue us in because it's all very similar the whole way through. I really like the bridge, where you take us to the market - you set the scene nicely. I would totally cut the line "All I know is I'm enthralled..." - we get that already, and ending the verse on a question is more effective. And I would definitely spend a good couple hours working out syllabic placement. The lyric feels like a first draft still. But they're nice.
Big problems musically though. The vocal line rambles about mercilessly, and the vocal performance isn't even on beat much of the time, so it comes off like you are making up the tune as you go along. Musically this is devoid of atmosphere, and the song is asking the lyric to carry the entire song all on its own.
OK, let me geek out a bit more here. I'm speaking purely musically now, no longer talking about lyrics:
"In her studio she works so diligently" - Tuneful, catchy, I'm on board
"Preferring solitude..." - A bunch more melodic information, but I'm still with you
"The kitchen window..." - Trouble brewing. You suddenly go low and restrict the range of the tune, working exactly against the lyric, which speaks of looking out at an inspiring view. Also, the vocal is so far off the beat that it sticks out
"The same scenes..." - Again, vocal is way off, distracting. Also, this is the fourth line, so it's going to play like an ending to most ears, and you end on the D chord, so it does indeed sound like the end of the verse
"Depending on the time of the day" - ....except it's not the end of the verse apparently. There's more material, and that melody kind of rambles around, not sure where it's going. Musically, I'm getting lost and starting to tune out.
The chorus is musically pretty nice. You need to change up the arrangement here to clue us in that it's a new section, and the vocal line is too similar to what came before.
OK I'll shut up. A lot to like here, but not a winner for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Menage a Tune - Disco Silver
This feels like I wanted to buy a disco song, so I went onto Amazon and saw that most of them are fifty bucks, but there's this one that's only 19.99, and it's got some Chinese-sounding brand I've never heard of, but I buy that one. Turns out it's cheap plastic and doesn't really work all that well...
Technically, this is a passable disco tune. But it doesn't work for me for a few obvious and fixable reasons. Production-wise this needs to BOOOM a lot more. I hear the 4 on the floor, and the brass fills and all those obligatory disco trappings, but the mix is far too sedate. I suspect you're working with the equipment you got, I get it, but in the name of really pulling off the disco sound, it would need that improved.
I like the "shine shine shine" hook. It's really overused though, and there needs to be a lot more sass on the delivery. Really that's true with the whole performance. A few shots of tequila before recording might help, as it feels like you're holding back. Reverb, echo, might also help.
The lyrics are specific and evocative, I like that - but they ain't disco, and that's working against you in terms of pulling off the homage. They're too wordy. I would do something more like "Those silver sparks!/That mirrored ball/Her silver shoes!/She's electric!!" - not trying to rewrite the song, but get what I'm going for?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Cat - Green Machine
OK, so this is really nice. That odd phrasing in the verse got me worried, but you did it exactly the same way the next verse so I knew it was totally on purpose and I really appreciated that - cool! It comes awfully fast though, I think I want the verse to be twice as long and to have you withhold the strange phrasing until the second time. The chorus comes at us awfully fast. Too soon.
I want the chorus to feel more like flying, but after the first line which is nice and high, you go back down low and quiet for the second line, which lets all the air out. I want the vocal to stay up high there like it does on the fourth line. Not that they should be a simple repeat, but I think going back down low is working against you there.
In fact, I would take this whole song up a step or two. You're singing about being taken away and flying, but so much of the vocal is low in your register, so the song doesn't have the effect it could have.
Nice one!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross Durand - Ultimate Gray
I don't know what a Pantone color is. But you didn't do 17-1504, you did 17-5104! So, ok I gogogoled it, and Ultimate Gray is actually 17-5104, so that was just a typo in your notes. Anyway, I'm a dork. Cool idea! Sounds like a good challenge for some future round....
Not a lot to say about this, it works, but it doesn't do a lot for me. Totally competent and solid, lyrically, musically, and performancely, but nothing about it really sticks with me. You'll definitely be moving on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Fangled Trolleys - Yellow Stickey Notes
Yeah, so I get what you're going for here, and it's a great idea, the two-sides of the singer's psyche interpreting things in different ways, and the back and forth between them speeding up as it goes along, yeah, fun idea.
But I'm sorry, that growly voice is a deal-breaker for me. So very unpleasant. Fine song, don't want to hear it anymore. Moving on...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lichen Throat - Silver Elite
This vocal performance sounds like when someone is singing along to a song with headphones on and they can't hear themselves. Completely kills the whole song for me. I'm having a great deal of trouble getting past that aspect of it.
Nice band, I like the vibe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temnere - 1493
What an awesome inspiration for a song, and imagining the fighting hordes accompanied by metal is wicked.
This works on all levels. I am not a fan of metal at all, but I gotta hand it to this song. If you want to take it to 11, I would alter the vocal track on the chorus, maybe add some b.g. vocals, or double it panned out or something, just to make it a little different. I hear some vocal harmonies on "blood red sky".
Anyway, great job. I'll likely never listen to this again, but I love it.
Also, the word is CON-quer, not con-QUER. I hate little mistakes like that. Also, I had a laugh at the typo in the lyrics, which says "Conquer them, Al" Who's Al?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim of Seattle - Gray
Just a couple thing to say about this. Unusual for me in that the lyrics were almost totally done before I even knew what it was going to be musically. I actually wrote it as a mid-tempo waltz, and only turned it into this little rocker later. I've been working on an album of instrumental piano duets this past year, and (except for a silly kid's song) this is the first lyrics I've written in a couple years, so I was relieved they came pretty easily. I'm always terrified I won't be able to meet my ridiculously exacting standards for my lyrics.
I know I've nitpicked people's lyrics on here a bunch, so let me show you what I changed in mine:
"It's a sapphire ring" was originally "It's the sparkle of sapphire"
"Am I angry enough to want somebody dead" was originally "And mad to the point I wish someone were dead". I even recorded my first vocal with that line, but it was impossible to sing without sounding like a pile of poop.
"Spectacular sunrises bringing us joy" was originally "Spectacular sunrises promising joy", but it sounded dweeby sung over the bouncy arrangement.
I originally had "The wings of a cricket the eyes of a fly" before "The traffic light letting you pass people by", but switched them around late in the game because going double-time with the images worked better leading into "How many times..."
I set myself a challenge for green, that I was not permitted to use any nature images, so no trees, grass, springtime, none of that. No cliches allowed! I was pleased I met that challenge.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
galoshy - Blue
If I were required to cover one of the songs of the 32 in this round, this is the one I would pick. There's just so much great material here, I would totally take off with it. Like it a lot. I hope you make it to the next round.
Some improvements are needed though. Too many character changes for a 3 1/2 minute song.
You don't need the intro at all. Just start with the vamp and right into "A deep and calm blue".
You've got a dorm room, and then a living room. That's confusing. A dorm room with a living room, or are these two separate places?
Given your note about it being hard to describe a sensory experience, I might change the line to "But YOU can't see this through MY eyes", seems a lot clearer.
I then want another example of what we can't see, so stick in another slow verse but of some other blue thing we can't see through your eyes either. It's a pretty verse and I want to hear it again before everything changes.
I know what you're going for with the long fermata on "a little time", but rather than stop everything like that, I would go for the same effect but not lose the pulse, as that takes me out of it a bit too much.
When it gets to the fast part, the chords are beguiling, but the tune you sing over them is much better for "Heinrich's flower" (whatever that is, btw) and "embracing and total" than it is for "begin with the sky..". Why not repeat the same chorus tune for all of those?
I assume you only have the guitar and single vocal to work with, but this section wants to be big and exciting, it's totally asking for that. And I think that whole high energy section could be improved with some lyric tightening, syllabically, so we can really get into it. And it could also go on longer.
"Infinite glowing", the tune is interesting, but stands out a little awkwardly, probably best not to try that since you don't sing that figure anywhere else.
The slow coda isn't going to work unless the fast section really establishes itself for a good length of time.
OK, that's what I got. Interesting song.
There's a lot to like here. The song has a theme, and is easy to follow along with. Performances are all fine. I like the idea of the tongue being purple from the blues. But I'm afraid I have a problem with just about every line in this lyric. Rather than go into detail, I'll just leave it at that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Brewhouse Sessions - #FFC0CB
First off, the color in your cover art is actually #F5C3CC. Very close, definitely pink, but technically not correct. Foul!!!
Second, I'm really glad I decided to read the lyrics, because until then I was so confused why you were showing off your pizza to whoever you meet.
This is perfectly fine, a little too repetitive musically. The section about being an NFT seems like it's supposed to be a chorus since it's repeated later, but it's the same three chords as the "verse", so the sound gets pretty droning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cavedwellers - Chartreuse
The line "French brandy at your lips" kept reminding me of the second line of Don McLean's "Vincent" (https://open.spotify.com/track/0VNzEY1G ... 15d4304eb3 first heard at 0:05). Neither here nor there, but I can't not hear it now. I also prefer where he went musically after that line, so "deadly widow's kiss" disappoints in comparison.
This is all nicely done. The songwriting is coherent and well-structured and the production is solid. If I heard this on the radio (in 1985 of course) I wouldn't turn it off, but I would have had to hear it like 5 times before it made any impression on me. It all sort of stays at the same level somehow, a little too subdued, but not quite cool either. Just sort of sits there. Definitely ought to get you into round 2 though.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jealous Brother - Lemon Tangerine
If I squint a bit I don't mind this song one bit. Nice bouncy feel, completely listenable. Once I break out the magnifying glass, though, the cracks start to show, and that's what I'd like to talk about. Even though, it's perfectly pleasant listening.
There are some structural problems which are easy fixes and I think would make the whole thing flow a lot better. It feels awkward to land back on the C chord on "live in her submarine", and then go straight into the break. I was expecting a bridge or chorus here, some sort of hook to hang onto. I'm not ready for a guitar solo at that point. On the line "her dress was yellow and gold", it's clearly a bridge, but it sounds somewhat like the verse, and would be better if it was more different, and then built up to a nice finish from which we could careen back down into the verse. I would cut the entire verse that starts with "A veiled distress call". After the bridge go right into "her dress was yellow", a line we've heard before, and that would be more satisfying. You could also have moved the guitar solo right after that. I think what I'm not getting that I want is a clarity of structure, a hook that I know when to expect, all that stuff.
Lyrically, I don't know what you're talking about, which I know is common, but I have never liked it. A little mysterious imagery goes a long way, but when every lyric reads like "I Am the Walrus" it gets a little distancing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian Gray - Purple Dot / Something Like Home
I was tickled by your obvious Patinkin-as-Seurat imitation, you sound a lot like him. https://open.spotify.com/track/0GGnyeZB ... 702dfb4709. Also, the arrangement is very accomplished, nice job.
This song is much too long, however, with the Something Like Home section wearing out its welcome long before it's over. There is too much reliance on "bigness" to create an atmosphere of climax, while musically it's pretty much the same material repeated over & over. Also, I felt left out on the lines you were "acting", because having not read the notes, I didn't know what you were singing about.
I do feel a great deal of recognition with my own style, however, and while there are things I would do to improve this, there are other things I couldn't do as well.
(I also employ the cloned voice harmony technique, so let me give you a tip on making that work better: Bring down the levels of the hamrony parts, pan them out, double or triple track them, change the EQ, and add a touch of reverb, it'll be less obvious that it's just the same person singing all the parts.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good Guy Sojabe - Grey
This song makes me so nostalgic for what my home town used to be in 1991.... Thanks!
This is a strong contender indeed. Lyrically, you have an idea, and play it out effectively, you're not just making shit up. The song structure is right on point. The chorus hits that sweet spot of being different enough but not too different. You knows what you is doing here. The theme of the lyric matches nicely with the vibe of the music, basically everything is working. Very nice.
"Ink ran out long ago" <- nah, that line is too clever for this song.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jocko Homomorphism - Eigengrau
I can tell you exactly why this song does not work. The vocal performance is too bland for so limited and square a tune. If your song is going to be robotic and static like this, that's fine, but you have to give us something. Sing like a robot, or put some interesting effect on it, or sing it with crazy exacting precision, give us SOMEthing. Like you did that cutting out effect in the fade out. Something like that. Sell it somehow. The vocal performance is far too flat to pull off this kind of tune, (and btw you anticipate the beat with almost every line you sing).
Songwritingly speaking, this is pretty nice, it mostly works for me. I enjoyed the few little unexpected chord moments. You keep it musically fresh enough to hold things together. Given what the song is apparently about from reading your notes, there's a lot more opportunity to create a unique musical atmosphere that more vividly evokes the eyes closed sensation. You're saying it with words, but I'm not feeling it.
The bloopies are interesting a couple times, but get annoying before the song is half over.
Just my take, but I'd up the tempo a bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Phlubububub - Indigo
Nice idea for a lyric, and I enjoyed reading it much more than I anjoyed listening to it, the lyrics are kind of pretty. I would go back with a fine-toothed comb and clean them up, as you waver between past and present tense, easy fix. It's nice that you repeat the first two lines of the chorus, and then the third line points out some different aspect of the painting that you apprecia--- except doh! Two of the verses are the same and one is a repeat. All three should be different, or all three the same. I'm confused that the opening verse isn't so much an intro (musically), but it's just different musical material from everything else, and we don't hear it again. Structurally, it's confusing. I think it's supposed to be an intro, but the arrangement doesn't clue us in because it's all very similar the whole way through. I really like the bridge, where you take us to the market - you set the scene nicely. I would totally cut the line "All I know is I'm enthralled..." - we get that already, and ending the verse on a question is more effective. And I would definitely spend a good couple hours working out syllabic placement. The lyric feels like a first draft still. But they're nice.
Big problems musically though. The vocal line rambles about mercilessly, and the vocal performance isn't even on beat much of the time, so it comes off like you are making up the tune as you go along. Musically this is devoid of atmosphere, and the song is asking the lyric to carry the entire song all on its own.
OK, let me geek out a bit more here. I'm speaking purely musically now, no longer talking about lyrics:
"In her studio she works so diligently" - Tuneful, catchy, I'm on board
"Preferring solitude..." - A bunch more melodic information, but I'm still with you
"The kitchen window..." - Trouble brewing. You suddenly go low and restrict the range of the tune, working exactly against the lyric, which speaks of looking out at an inspiring view. Also, the vocal is so far off the beat that it sticks out
"The same scenes..." - Again, vocal is way off, distracting. Also, this is the fourth line, so it's going to play like an ending to most ears, and you end on the D chord, so it does indeed sound like the end of the verse
"Depending on the time of the day" - ....except it's not the end of the verse apparently. There's more material, and that melody kind of rambles around, not sure where it's going. Musically, I'm getting lost and starting to tune out.
The chorus is musically pretty nice. You need to change up the arrangement here to clue us in that it's a new section, and the vocal line is too similar to what came before.
OK I'll shut up. A lot to like here, but not a winner for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Menage a Tune - Disco Silver
This feels like I wanted to buy a disco song, so I went onto Amazon and saw that most of them are fifty bucks, but there's this one that's only 19.99, and it's got some Chinese-sounding brand I've never heard of, but I buy that one. Turns out it's cheap plastic and doesn't really work all that well...
Technically, this is a passable disco tune. But it doesn't work for me for a few obvious and fixable reasons. Production-wise this needs to BOOOM a lot more. I hear the 4 on the floor, and the brass fills and all those obligatory disco trappings, but the mix is far too sedate. I suspect you're working with the equipment you got, I get it, but in the name of really pulling off the disco sound, it would need that improved.
I like the "shine shine shine" hook. It's really overused though, and there needs to be a lot more sass on the delivery. Really that's true with the whole performance. A few shots of tequila before recording might help, as it feels like you're holding back. Reverb, echo, might also help.
The lyrics are specific and evocative, I like that - but they ain't disco, and that's working against you in terms of pulling off the homage. They're too wordy. I would do something more like "Those silver sparks!/That mirrored ball/Her silver shoes!/She's electric!!" - not trying to rewrite the song, but get what I'm going for?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Cat - Green Machine
OK, so this is really nice. That odd phrasing in the verse got me worried, but you did it exactly the same way the next verse so I knew it was totally on purpose and I really appreciated that - cool! It comes awfully fast though, I think I want the verse to be twice as long and to have you withhold the strange phrasing until the second time. The chorus comes at us awfully fast. Too soon.
I want the chorus to feel more like flying, but after the first line which is nice and high, you go back down low and quiet for the second line, which lets all the air out. I want the vocal to stay up high there like it does on the fourth line. Not that they should be a simple repeat, but I think going back down low is working against you there.
In fact, I would take this whole song up a step or two. You're singing about being taken away and flying, but so much of the vocal is low in your register, so the song doesn't have the effect it could have.
Nice one!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross Durand - Ultimate Gray
I don't know what a Pantone color is. But you didn't do 17-1504, you did 17-5104! So, ok I gogogoled it, and Ultimate Gray is actually 17-5104, so that was just a typo in your notes. Anyway, I'm a dork. Cool idea! Sounds like a good challenge for some future round....
Not a lot to say about this, it works, but it doesn't do a lot for me. Totally competent and solid, lyrically, musically, and performancely, but nothing about it really sticks with me. You'll definitely be moving on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Fangled Trolleys - Yellow Stickey Notes
Yeah, so I get what you're going for here, and it's a great idea, the two-sides of the singer's psyche interpreting things in different ways, and the back and forth between them speeding up as it goes along, yeah, fun idea.
But I'm sorry, that growly voice is a deal-breaker for me. So very unpleasant. Fine song, don't want to hear it anymore. Moving on...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lichen Throat - Silver Elite
This vocal performance sounds like when someone is singing along to a song with headphones on and they can't hear themselves. Completely kills the whole song for me. I'm having a great deal of trouble getting past that aspect of it.
Nice band, I like the vibe.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Temnere - 1493
What an awesome inspiration for a song, and imagining the fighting hordes accompanied by metal is wicked.
This works on all levels. I am not a fan of metal at all, but I gotta hand it to this song. If you want to take it to 11, I would alter the vocal track on the chorus, maybe add some b.g. vocals, or double it panned out or something, just to make it a little different. I hear some vocal harmonies on "blood red sky".
Anyway, great job. I'll likely never listen to this again, but I love it.
Also, the word is CON-quer, not con-QUER. I hate little mistakes like that. Also, I had a laugh at the typo in the lyrics, which says "Conquer them, Al" Who's Al?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim of Seattle - Gray
Just a couple thing to say about this. Unusual for me in that the lyrics were almost totally done before I even knew what it was going to be musically. I actually wrote it as a mid-tempo waltz, and only turned it into this little rocker later. I've been working on an album of instrumental piano duets this past year, and (except for a silly kid's song) this is the first lyrics I've written in a couple years, so I was relieved they came pretty easily. I'm always terrified I won't be able to meet my ridiculously exacting standards for my lyrics.
I know I've nitpicked people's lyrics on here a bunch, so let me show you what I changed in mine:
"It's a sapphire ring" was originally "It's the sparkle of sapphire"
"Am I angry enough to want somebody dead" was originally "And mad to the point I wish someone were dead". I even recorded my first vocal with that line, but it was impossible to sing without sounding like a pile of poop.
"Spectacular sunrises bringing us joy" was originally "Spectacular sunrises promising joy", but it sounded dweeby sung over the bouncy arrangement.
I originally had "The wings of a cricket the eyes of a fly" before "The traffic light letting you pass people by", but switched them around late in the game because going double-time with the images worked better leading into "How many times..."
I set myself a challenge for green, that I was not permitted to use any nature images, so no trees, grass, springtime, none of that. No cliches allowed! I was pleased I met that challenge.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
galoshy - Blue
If I were required to cover one of the songs of the 32 in this round, this is the one I would pick. There's just so much great material here, I would totally take off with it. Like it a lot. I hope you make it to the next round.
Some improvements are needed though. Too many character changes for a 3 1/2 minute song.
You don't need the intro at all. Just start with the vamp and right into "A deep and calm blue".
You've got a dorm room, and then a living room. That's confusing. A dorm room with a living room, or are these two separate places?
Given your note about it being hard to describe a sensory experience, I might change the line to "But YOU can't see this through MY eyes", seems a lot clearer.
I then want another example of what we can't see, so stick in another slow verse but of some other blue thing we can't see through your eyes either. It's a pretty verse and I want to hear it again before everything changes.
I know what you're going for with the long fermata on "a little time", but rather than stop everything like that, I would go for the same effect but not lose the pulse, as that takes me out of it a bit too much.
When it gets to the fast part, the chords are beguiling, but the tune you sing over them is much better for "Heinrich's flower" (whatever that is, btw) and "embracing and total" than it is for "begin with the sky..". Why not repeat the same chorus tune for all of those?
I assume you only have the guitar and single vocal to work with, but this section wants to be big and exciting, it's totally asking for that. And I think that whole high energy section could be improved with some lyric tightening, syllabically, so we can really get into it. And it could also go on longer.
"Infinite glowing", the tune is interesting, but stands out a little awkwardly, probably best not to try that since you don't sing that figure anywhere else.
The slow coda isn't going to work unless the fast section really establishes itself for a good length of time.
OK, that's what I got. Interesting song.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stacking Theory - This Pale Blue Dot
Sorry I missed you guys the first time around. Pure oversight. Which is a shame because I think this is an extremely strong entry. I really have no suggestions for improvement. You achieved exactly what you set out to. Any suggestions I make here are purely my taste, and not suggestions for improvement:
For me it goes a little long, I'd cut either the give it time verse or the sun comes up verse. I'd also like to hear the song let loose if just for a line or two, as I keep expecting it, and also because it earns you a free month's rent on that slow groove when you come back to it for the last verse. Really excellent.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"BucketHat" Bobby Matheson - Seeing Mauve (Rose-Coloured Glasses)
You know what would make this song a lot better for me, such a simple fix. Change "mauve" to simply "blue". Normally I'm deathly allregic to cliches, and blue certainly is one, but in this case I think it's the correct choice. I cringe a little every time I hear you sing "mauve". It's just not a singable word. It sits there weirdly because no one says that word in real life. It sticks out in an unpleasant, artificial way. I find myself singing along and singing 'blue' instead and the whole song sounds better. But last I checked I'm not listed in the credits for the song, so I have no power in that jurisdiction.
If this were a professional release, I'd have you take a bunch more takes to get more in tune with the vocals, or else use auto tune in a few places. (Though who am I to talk - my Melodyne license expired and I decided to go vocally commando with my entry.)
It's way too long. 3 minutes is pushing it for a cute song like this.
Random thingies: "wanton positivity" <- fix
Bring in b.g. vocals for the chorus
"a fantasy your eyewear wove" <- I don't understand that line
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boffo Yux Dudes
A lot of good here, but a few penalties and turnovers and you lost the game, ultimately.
Songwritingly speaking, this is pretty solid. I'm not swiping right on it exactly, but I can see where the verses and choruses are, and it holds up mostly. It's structurally awkward to go into the bridge (look through my eyes etc.) right out of the verse (the color of money etc.). Keep it on F under "shade of home", don't go to B flat there, because there's more bridge stuff to come. The Bb under "shade of home" sounds like we're done with something, which we aren't.
You could probably do without the 'green in your eyes as it fades to black' verse and just start repeating the chorus right there, but I'm not totally confident in that opinion. In any case, you need to change up the chorus here so we have something fresh to hold onto. Every repeat of the chorus is exactly the same and that's no fun.
I don't find the synth pad break at the end of the bridge to be very interesting. A drum fill would keep us in the groove a lot better, and there's so much groovy synthy drum activity anyway, might as well make hay at that point.
Where you lost the game was in the vocals. Your voice has a lot of richness in the low end, and singing as close to the mic as you are brings that out in an ungood way. I wish you were singing out a little more with a little distance from the mic. Then add just a tiny but of reverb to it to smooth things out, and you might sound awesome.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sober Kitsugi
So funny, I was thinking how cool to hear a 7/4 song, especially one with the 3 first, and then the very next song in this round does the exact same thing. What are the odds.
No suggestions here, this all works great. If I were a real judge I'd take points off for not highlighting a single color, but I'm not a judge, so shits given ought to equal zero. Like with Stacking Theory (see above), any suggestions are my taste and not necessarily improvements:
The 3 then 4 rhythm is consistently interesting all the way through, but there are a few times where I feel like I'm tripping a bit and have to wait a few beats to get back on track. Just a little stylistically appropriate and consistent percussion would be a big help there to keep us in the groove.
In the vocals, I find the reach to the low note off-putting. If you really want to change it up there, I get that, but you could just stay on the same note for "go away" instead of landing either or up or down to the D. That low note feels a little show-offy and takes me out of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother Baker - Cobalt, and Fading
I bet you and Sober both thought you were going to stand out for the 7/4. Ha! Best laid plans...
Boy, it's exciting when you get to "I long for vibrance". That sure got my attention. Great. Though I love that chorus, when you got to "I want to shine" is when I got particularly impressed, that you managed to keep it interesting yet not feel like you were dropping a needle on a different track. And you end without returning to the chorus, something I wouldn't have the courage to attempt, yet it works well.
This is yet another one of those "Got nothing for you" songs. Everything is working here. Based on your notes, I listened to Scavengers by Thrice, also great. So I see where you were going. Everything from this point is my taste and not necessarily an improvement:
"stuck" and "stalled" both go by so fast that they don't really play sonically the way they read. If someone were speaking these lyrics they would stop and slightly emphasize those words, but in the song you zip right through it. I'd rework all the lines that use those. That's not working.
That's all I got. Great job, jerks. I have no chance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pleasantry - Rosé
In v2, I couldn't help but think of Dana Carvey doing George Bush: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMYPvd86R2I
This is just fine, and you definitely deserve to move on to round 2. Didn't do a ton for me, so I don't have a lot to say. There are a few lyrics I'd clean up: "rose tinted", while a necessary term to use, is hard to sing and feels thick. "I’ve prescribed you medication to treat your color miscalibration", that's a toughie, I would rehearse the hell out of it and get the groove down better. Feels a bit weak. "bourbon aged cabernet" is also a mouthful, and not necessary. I would have tried to think of an easier to sing drink.
Anyway, nice job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks, brain - Bleed Out Purple
This one's on the bubble I think. It's ok, I like the vibe and I like the vocal performance. This could work with a few changes.
All the static doesn't get you anything, it's just noise. Same for the TV in the background of the bridge. Soncially they're abrasive, and thematically they don't make any sense anyway. So if that's gone the song might feel lonely, and something else could go where the static is, perhaps something more intrinsically musical.
I'm also suspicious because a Coda is typically the ending part of a song, but you have it in the middle, with what you're calling Verse 3 after it, although Verse 3 is actually the same music as the Coda, so that's something of a muddle. I know, who cares, it's all audio anyway, and of course, but the fact that you listed them out explicitly in the notes makes me wonder what you were thinking.
I find myself wishing it were a tad faster, but not confident about that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hot Pink Halo - Clementine
Nice Mazzy Star/Velvet Underground/My Funny Valentine vibe here. Like it a lot. Vocal all wrong unfortunately. The strangled EQ isn't right, aas I think the lead vocal needs to be "bigger" and more in tune. But I can see this song totally working.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also in Blue - Shadow Grey
This of course: https://open.spotify.com/track/2oqab22c ... e343ee494a
Terrific work. The only compositional note I'd have is I find myself wanting something melodic to hang onto, and the whole song feels like you're riffing on a popular tune I don't know. In "nightingale" linked above, they go all crazy with the arrangement, but the main skeleton of the original song is still obvious. I want it to feel more like you're riffing on solid ground rather than floating about.
I get that time is limited and all, but the group needs to be tighter. I might suggest two options
1) Record a video of a conductor and get every singer to record from that video, or
2) Spend a few hours in post dragging audio clips around to get everyone in sync.
I've done both ways and they both work. But this song deserves that treatment one way or the other.
Love the bridge. Love the minor 9 under sunrise-colored kiss, and that flat 5 F under "gone" is right on point. Feels like a Jolly Rancher in my mouth, yum.
Couple lyrics I'd look at:
Add "but" before "In shadow gray". Much clearer image, and makes the syllables match with verse 2
"In a somber hue" - rhymes better, sings better
"Slate grey fugue" - I don't care for that line. I don't get it for one thing, it's a half rhyme for another
------------------
------------------
I'm done! This was fun.
Sorry I missed you guys the first time around. Pure oversight. Which is a shame because I think this is an extremely strong entry. I really have no suggestions for improvement. You achieved exactly what you set out to. Any suggestions I make here are purely my taste, and not suggestions for improvement:
For me it goes a little long, I'd cut either the give it time verse or the sun comes up verse. I'd also like to hear the song let loose if just for a line or two, as I keep expecting it, and also because it earns you a free month's rent on that slow groove when you come back to it for the last verse. Really excellent.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"BucketHat" Bobby Matheson - Seeing Mauve (Rose-Coloured Glasses)
You know what would make this song a lot better for me, such a simple fix. Change "mauve" to simply "blue". Normally I'm deathly allregic to cliches, and blue certainly is one, but in this case I think it's the correct choice. I cringe a little every time I hear you sing "mauve". It's just not a singable word. It sits there weirdly because no one says that word in real life. It sticks out in an unpleasant, artificial way. I find myself singing along and singing 'blue' instead and the whole song sounds better. But last I checked I'm not listed in the credits for the song, so I have no power in that jurisdiction.
If this were a professional release, I'd have you take a bunch more takes to get more in tune with the vocals, or else use auto tune in a few places. (Though who am I to talk - my Melodyne license expired and I decided to go vocally commando with my entry.)
It's way too long. 3 minutes is pushing it for a cute song like this.
Random thingies: "wanton positivity" <- fix
Bring in b.g. vocals for the chorus
"a fantasy your eyewear wove" <- I don't understand that line
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boffo Yux Dudes
A lot of good here, but a few penalties and turnovers and you lost the game, ultimately.
Songwritingly speaking, this is pretty solid. I'm not swiping right on it exactly, but I can see where the verses and choruses are, and it holds up mostly. It's structurally awkward to go into the bridge (look through my eyes etc.) right out of the verse (the color of money etc.). Keep it on F under "shade of home", don't go to B flat there, because there's more bridge stuff to come. The Bb under "shade of home" sounds like we're done with something, which we aren't.
You could probably do without the 'green in your eyes as it fades to black' verse and just start repeating the chorus right there, but I'm not totally confident in that opinion. In any case, you need to change up the chorus here so we have something fresh to hold onto. Every repeat of the chorus is exactly the same and that's no fun.
I don't find the synth pad break at the end of the bridge to be very interesting. A drum fill would keep us in the groove a lot better, and there's so much groovy synthy drum activity anyway, might as well make hay at that point.
Where you lost the game was in the vocals. Your voice has a lot of richness in the low end, and singing as close to the mic as you are brings that out in an ungood way. I wish you were singing out a little more with a little distance from the mic. Then add just a tiny but of reverb to it to smooth things out, and you might sound awesome.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sober Kitsugi
So funny, I was thinking how cool to hear a 7/4 song, especially one with the 3 first, and then the very next song in this round does the exact same thing. What are the odds.
No suggestions here, this all works great. If I were a real judge I'd take points off for not highlighting a single color, but I'm not a judge, so shits given ought to equal zero. Like with Stacking Theory (see above), any suggestions are my taste and not necessarily improvements:
The 3 then 4 rhythm is consistently interesting all the way through, but there are a few times where I feel like I'm tripping a bit and have to wait a few beats to get back on track. Just a little stylistically appropriate and consistent percussion would be a big help there to keep us in the groove.
In the vocals, I find the reach to the low note off-putting. If you really want to change it up there, I get that, but you could just stay on the same note for "go away" instead of landing either or up or down to the D. That low note feels a little show-offy and takes me out of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother Baker - Cobalt, and Fading
I bet you and Sober both thought you were going to stand out for the 7/4. Ha! Best laid plans...
Boy, it's exciting when you get to "I long for vibrance". That sure got my attention. Great. Though I love that chorus, when you got to "I want to shine" is when I got particularly impressed, that you managed to keep it interesting yet not feel like you were dropping a needle on a different track. And you end without returning to the chorus, something I wouldn't have the courage to attempt, yet it works well.
This is yet another one of those "Got nothing for you" songs. Everything is working here. Based on your notes, I listened to Scavengers by Thrice, also great. So I see where you were going. Everything from this point is my taste and not necessarily an improvement:
"stuck" and "stalled" both go by so fast that they don't really play sonically the way they read. If someone were speaking these lyrics they would stop and slightly emphasize those words, but in the song you zip right through it. I'd rework all the lines that use those. That's not working.
That's all I got. Great job, jerks. I have no chance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pleasantry - Rosé
In v2, I couldn't help but think of Dana Carvey doing George Bush: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMYPvd86R2I
This is just fine, and you definitely deserve to move on to round 2. Didn't do a ton for me, so I don't have a lot to say. There are a few lyrics I'd clean up: "rose tinted", while a necessary term to use, is hard to sing and feels thick. "I’ve prescribed you medication to treat your color miscalibration", that's a toughie, I would rehearse the hell out of it and get the groove down better. Feels a bit weak. "bourbon aged cabernet" is also a mouthful, and not necessary. I would have tried to think of an easier to sing drink.
Anyway, nice job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks, brain - Bleed Out Purple
This one's on the bubble I think. It's ok, I like the vibe and I like the vocal performance. This could work with a few changes.
All the static doesn't get you anything, it's just noise. Same for the TV in the background of the bridge. Soncially they're abrasive, and thematically they don't make any sense anyway. So if that's gone the song might feel lonely, and something else could go where the static is, perhaps something more intrinsically musical.
I'm also suspicious because a Coda is typically the ending part of a song, but you have it in the middle, with what you're calling Verse 3 after it, although Verse 3 is actually the same music as the Coda, so that's something of a muddle. I know, who cares, it's all audio anyway, and of course, but the fact that you listed them out explicitly in the notes makes me wonder what you were thinking.
I find myself wishing it were a tad faster, but not confident about that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hot Pink Halo - Clementine
Nice Mazzy Star/Velvet Underground/My Funny Valentine vibe here. Like it a lot. Vocal all wrong unfortunately. The strangled EQ isn't right, aas I think the lead vocal needs to be "bigger" and more in tune. But I can see this song totally working.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also in Blue - Shadow Grey
This of course: https://open.spotify.com/track/2oqab22c ... e343ee494a
Terrific work. The only compositional note I'd have is I find myself wanting something melodic to hang onto, and the whole song feels like you're riffing on a popular tune I don't know. In "nightingale" linked above, they go all crazy with the arrangement, but the main skeleton of the original song is still obvious. I want it to feel more like you're riffing on solid ground rather than floating about.
I get that time is limited and all, but the group needs to be tighter. I might suggest two options
1) Record a video of a conductor and get every singer to record from that video, or
2) Spend a few hours in post dragging audio clips around to get everyone in sync.
I've done both ways and they both work. But this song deserves that treatment one way or the other.
Love the bridge. Love the minor 9 under sunrise-colored kiss, and that flat 5 F under "gone" is right on point. Feels like a Jolly Rancher in my mouth, yum.
Couple lyrics I'd look at:
Add "but" before "In shadow gray". Much clearer image, and makes the syllables match with verse 2
"In a somber hue" - rhymes better, sings better
"Slate grey fugue" - I don't care for that line. I don't get it for one thing, it's a half rhyme for another
------------------
------------------
I'm done! This was fun.
No comments:
Post a Comment